�� new old this that ��

2001-03-26.10:53 a.m.

pookie

death is natural



life runs it's course before "comin round" again. i am against capital punishment for legal suicide an advocate against cruelty to animals but i'm holding 8 pounds of guilt in my arms & I want to turn around

put my back to this door way but i have to make a decision jfk jr. died exactly one week ago today was the memorial service & i know this is inevitable she's just getting worse & worse sicker & sicker "after the next blood work if she isn't better we have to decide" we said we said that & i've been force feeding her for a week food & water the food's this awful cod liver paste i have to give her water with an eye dropper 5 times a day food about the same & she's miserable so sick she just sleeps lays in a corner trying to hide from me now to her i'm the one causing her to eat the smelly stuff & now she's throwing up every time i feed her but she has to eat & get some water or else she'll die dying that way is horrible she's lost so much weight she used to be round now she doesn't eat hasn't eaten on her own for a month "god damn it why won't she get better?" i'm holding 8 pounds of guilt in my arms & i have to make a decision we're bringing her in for blood work & she throws up all over herself then the vet's aid pulls her out of the carrier by the scruff of her neck i want to grab his hand smash my forearm into his throat! "can't you see she's in enough pain!" but i just grit my teeth the vet's looking at her talking to us the vet can just tell so she has to say it she say's there's no hope "she's really beyond hope at this point, you have to decide" i'm holding 8 pounds of guilt in my arms that's scared and tired and sick & covered in her own yellow bile & i have to make a decision she says it but we know it we know there isn't any hope we were just keeping her alive alive for the benefit of the living "she'd never be the same" "she was too sick for too long" we have to decide & so i say "yes..." i say "yes, it's for the best" i say "yes, i do want to be there when you do it" i sign the paper like a judge i sign the paper i'm speaking with a whisper because that's all i can get out i sign the paper like a judge i'm back into the room with my sick my poor sick little 2 1/2 year old cat with a failing liver jaundiced & dehydrated & skin & fur & bones & big blue beautiful eyes i watch the vet filled a syringe with a pink liquid & before i can say "no" no this is not what i want STOP

she injects her with the pink stuff a few milliliters at most so fast too fast so fast so quiet i whisper "was that it?" she nods yes & i wanted to scream "no!" "get it out of her" i'm supposed to take care of her she doesn't know why she's sick why she hurts why'd she get sick? if i just had more money i could have done something else brought her somewhere else there has to be something else but the vet looks at me gives me a look saying "i know" "...i know..." i whisper "she's so sick... so sick..." & i knew there was nothing i could do so i hold her & i pet her my little 8 pounds of guilt i watch her stiffen a little she's feels it & i make sure she closes her eyes i say "it's ok Pookie..." "you go to sleep now..." "you'll feel better soon..." i make sure her eyes close i want her to die with her eyes closed & she could feel the stuff go through her she knows something's wrong "go to sleep now Pookie" i'm holding her i'm holding her & i feel "go to sleep now Sweetie" & i feel her heart... stop.



walking out I gave the desk fifty nine dollars



death is natural



�� new old this that ��
            














Since Feb 2001





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