�� new old this that ��

2001-04-02.2:41 p.m.

a letter unsent - Friday, June 11, 1999 3:37:36 PM

Jim it's been a long time since we really talked - this will be the last letter I write to you. I have lost a lot of friends, misplaced others, forgotten who a lot were - I should write to all of them, but they know who they are... some day they'll hear someday it's been a year & I gotta let it go... It's nothing... last year you let me borrow your brand new truck, the truck you bought with your new job, you're a cop now, wow, never saw that coming, it fits you now since I talked to you I bet it does you let me borrow your truck so I could move out of Dudley out of the trees the grass the middle class American yards - side streets- the twisting winding roads - roads without shoulders just arms of trees arch like forming steeple hands above the roads the down town the nothing down town that place had nothing for me any more you knew that just too many old memories - bad memories - phantom pain memories with me still mixed with the good - Sally mixed with you - the crew living mixed with the moved on moved in - moved out of everywhere living no where not living the old gang - our gang - not a real gang - that was no LA - kid gang Jimmy Havanek, Larry Schwenier, Jon the kid we knew crashed his motorcycle with no brakes - remember him cruising around on that junk two wheels of junk - no breaks - just down shift he said - just down shift - two three days later... Brian Kokochinski - Koko - his new crotch rocket - parents bought him - running from something - himself? a court date? - lady pulls out - him - 90 - 110 - miles per too fast mush... gotta let it go... Jesus Jim, gotta let it go... gotta let it go... Jesus doesn't it bother you? How do you stay? There was nothing for me nothing but them mixed with with old gang the group the crew living but dead... dead in the sense they're not who they used to be - people changed... so did I... 6 of us down - how many more of us are gone I don't know about - I don't care - don't tell me - gotta let it go... you're a cop now? - great, that's great - we used to raise hell as they say, who are they? Why do they say it? we used to raise hell. - remember remember what we used to do - drinking in woods Drink! Drink! Drink! on the road - on the roof - your house - your blazer - your mustang your escort - your bike - me sober - for once - dumped it down the hill behind your house, I still got the scar on my left hand, said mom - told my mother was from a screen door - still mad - she was still mad - she knew - she knew - Jim there's nothing nothing there left for me, I have to go... leave you behind - Jim I don't drink like you used to - like we used to Jim you were my best friend Jim you were ALL my best friends to die Jim you were my wheels my bottle my car crash Jim, I called you my depression - my elation - my suicide - the darkness I whispered into madness to confide - my sins - my wins - I never placed higher than third Jim - you were my excuse for every shortcoming the reason I never let myself be happy but you knew it was a lie you knew I couldn't let it go Jim I had to start over, I'll miss you remember your bike, me sober? me crashing down the hill, getting that scar on my left hand, the one we told my mother was from a door, she didn't believe us Jim there was nothing, nothing Jim, I had to go, Jim I had to leave you all behind - start over - Jim I don't drink like you used to, like we used to - Jim you were my best friend, I left you behind long time ago years before I saw you last, miss you - sorry - I'm sorry - but the scar the scar on my left hand from the motorcycle - the scraped knees - the the scars faded - still there - my mothers idea of me - the two crashed cars - my arrest - the hole in your lip I put there I put there fighting drunk behind the school - in high school you were in Tech - me in town a year behind in age - same grade - I was the baby - I knocked you out high school Jim all this went down in High school � over ten years ago Jim Jim why can't I let it go - I'm scarred - more than I can count - we all are - gotta let it go... - I'm scared - - I'm scarred -more than I can't see - please Jim tell me - why Jim - why did you have all the answers - I need the answers now! - tell me the answers - what are the questions I haven't asked - your a cop now - you know what to ask - responsible - the law you know the law - you knew it - then - did it anyway - we did it all anyway - so why - tell me why can't I let it go - gotta let it go - it's nothing nothing nothing they say - I can't say nothing about it - everyone's tired of hearing about it - I tried to write it away - write it down - so I could forget it - if I wrote it - down - well - enough - the right way - the perfect way - it would be nothing - nothing like what was left for me back home - nothing - I had to move on Jim - I had to move on - I have to move on - tell me how - gotta let it go... cause you can't write it away - you can't wish it away - you can't deny it - apply it - testify it shit, you gotta live with it � you gotta deal with it boy! but people are dying again... SO WHAT? it's life, that's the way it goes, deal with it, buy a coffin stick yourself in it if you really need to know, get over it, get under it, sleep in it, lay down and shut the hell up... about getting older and growing older, so many people obsessed with this deal, or just one? You? Me? - YOU? Me. Am I? Am I obsessed with death do I blame myself? but I didn't do nothing - Freudian slip - slip - slip - slipping back to nothing there's nothing back there for me Jim, I can't go back, I can't change it - I can't even keep on track, Jim Jim this letters turning out to be addressed to both of you Jimmy Baca - my childhood friend - the first friend when I moved to Slater Street - young - twelve - thirteen - friend till middle of college lost you then - lost due to change this letters turning out to be addressed to both of you Jimmy Baca - not officer Baca but Jimmy Havanek - the 1st to go - the first of our friends to go - the small rock that caused an avalanch... don't go there - Jimmy Havanek the one that hurt me the most - the Jim you hurt me the most now you�re nothing, I'm just going to have to remember - with every new one that goes, it'll be easier to bear, but I'll still cry NO a little tear NO. No you won't... Don't do it... Gotta let it go, gotta let it go... remember? a wet eye, nothing will ever drop... NOTHING Jim I'm sorry, I won't cry for you anymore, I I can't write you away, I can't chant to the crowds enough to change anything If I write they've read it If I cry it, they've heard it If I moan it, It�s melodrama they get mad they don't like to feel bad because they know, they know already there's nothing nothing that can be done... I'm... I'm tired... I'm tired of it all, I can't write you away, I can't write ten years ago 15 years ago away I'll just wish you were all with me NO telling me what to do NO I used to be the baby NO the youngest of you all told me what to do all the time long time it's a long time ago YES, you gotta let it go Jim, I know what to do just say good bye I left without saying goodbye to Jim Baca the leader of OUR Gang living but gone - grown up - moved on dead in a way - living in a much better way - living but gone troy is gone steve is gone mike kevin they're all gone but I feel still there they're all gone from who we were we're all grown up now & Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Havanek you dumb BASTARD I hate you for what you did - I love you for who you were - but did you exist? - were you imagined so I could hate myself with a validity and a purpose I didn't even get to see you buried - they wouldn't let us out of school are you really dead I've forgotten where your head stone is - what did you look like - who were you? - A kid did you exist the way you perceived me - only in your mind were you imagined so I could hate my self with some validity and purpose add drama to my life melodrama to my smooth life did I need a bump to be interesting speed interest rising frost heaving silence of the land sheep and lambs of sea faring sorcerer sky bone craziness made up made it all up to write about you NO, I did happen � it did happen - I've forgotten where you head stone is - what did you look like you have my picture - who where you - did you exist you know this John who were you who were you were you were you? YES Jim, you were, he was, you were the second leader the one who lead five others countless others after I started noticing to Hades living mans misery-purgatory-a crack I'm looking down into beyond I've kept myself here for ten years I AM sitting in purgatory a chasm - a real place Imagine grieving for too long imagine me writing you this on top a granite bolder large in size un-measurable in weight in peace rest in peace young Jim rest in peace Jim I'm letting you all go - I'll miss you imagine me mailing you this with a shaking hand imagine me burying this in tear drenched earth imagine a man who grieved for so long he forgot how to stop why to stop when to stop until he sat in a wood watched the buds on trees swell leaf grow change from green to orange to yellow to brown and then fall a leaf decaying as snow falls & ice covers imagine melting imagine a new shoot - a sapling - rising out of fresh earth Jim, Jim, I could lie and say I understand life but I've seen the cycles and I'm ok with that and I'm going to say good-bye good bye Jim, I'll carry your memory with me to the grave see you soon

�� new old this that ��