and soon to graduate college seniors out there:
you are all dumb.
it really was good advice - advice you should have taken when so many people told you to stay in school forever.
but you didn't take it, did you?
you�re dumb - because now you have to get a job
and sit in a cube
for over 8 hours a day
working 9 to 5 is a fallacy
so say hello to salary
"Hi Salary"
"Hi Freshly graduated dumbasses! Did you know my real name is indentured servitude?"
you�re dumb - because now you have to get an apartment
and a car
and insurance for your car
and apartment
you'll have to drive to work
because college graduates don't take the bus
gas will cost 3 dollars a gallon this summer
now most of your salary will be spent on your apartment, your car, and the gas you need to work
what's left will go to the dinner you have to make yourself
the dinner you'll eat alone or with the boyfriend or girlfriend who's gonna break up with you now that you're boring and not in school
so say hello to your dinner
"Hi Dinner"
"Hi Freshly graduated dumbasses! Did you know my real name is McDonalds?"
you�re dumb - because now that you graduated you're going to have to get married
and get sperm to go inside an egg
and eventually have a baby come out
you'll have to get a mortgage
because you'll need one to afford to live in a house
because your new apartment sucks
it's no place to raise a child
you'll be sick of listening to your spouse about it
you'll give in
and get a mortgage
and a house
you'll stick the baby in the room down the hall
you'll get out of your own room in the middle of the night
because it's crying and it makes sense to walk down long cold halls to stop the baby from crying
because your spouse will want to sleep.
you�re dumb - because you're going to want to retire
so you'll work longer hours so you won't have to work anymore
someday
and you'll want to send the baby to college
like you went to college
because you're a sadistic mother fucker.
you�re dumb - because your baby is going to grow up and leave
because you won't understand each other
and the baby has to go to college like you did
so you'll get a new house
one with less rooms so the baby can't move back in
and cry in the middle of the night
because it's 23 and just lost it's 2nd fianc�e.
you�re dumb - because you're going to retire on less money than you need
to live on for the next 25 years
because you sent the baby to college just to be mean
like your parents were mean to you.
you�re dumb - because your baby will move away
and won't talk to you very often
because that's what babies do
and you're old and crabby
because that's what old and crabby people do
who don't have enough money
and are forced to live off of cat food instead of real tuna
and you like tuna
but eat cat food
so you're crabby
so no one calls
or talks to you face to face
because you don't go out much
except to buy more cat food
and your breath smell is so very bad
your breath will smell like false teeth and cat food
because no one reminds you to clean your dentures
because your spouse died
because that's what all spouses eventually do.
they die.
they leave you alone.
so you�re dumb - because your going to get sick
and get stuck in a nursing home
by the baby
because that's what babies do to their old and crabby sick parents
and you'll be about die
alone
because that's what old people do
who are sick
in nursing homes
and you'll say hello to the Reaper
�Hi Mr. Grim Reaper�
"you should have stayed in College, you were dumb to have ever left"
and then they�ll give you morphine
because you�re delirious
and talking to the Grim Reaper
and then your baby will come visit you
but you won�t recognize it as your baby
maybe just your already dead brother
and then you'll take a raspy breath
one that rattles in your rib cage
you won't think about how you always did what was expected
you won't think how you never challenged a single thing in your life
like all those preconceived notions
about how you're supposed to live your life
after you�ve graduated
you just won't take another breath
and you'll die.
