Aries 3/20-4/18
Unless you are saving yourself for someone, it is time for you to get laid. Even if you�re in China � do the deed. Unfortunately you�re not going to meet anyone at a bar. Find a new thing to do and work your qualm your libido necessities with that angle. Oysters � eat oysters � just to be masochistic � while you search or at least until your s.o. gets home..
Taurus 4/19-5/19
Buy new socks. Check your wallet. It�s all about developing cash flow this weekend and next week. If you get out of work early today, take it as a sign from god � a sign that you were destined to go shopping � for new socks. Do not eat at McDonalds where they spray the fries with real beef flavoring.
Gemini 5/20-6/20
Go to the beach the next time it rains. Walk the beach in the rain. Get wet � get cold � warm up with something that makes you happy. Call the person you have been meaning to � it will be interesting. Work it baby. Send johnpowers an email saying he rocks � even if you don�t think that is a true statement. Eat at least two salads in the next 3 days.
Cancer 6/21-7/21
Water � you�re weekend theme is water. Either drink 6 glasses of water for the next 3 days or go to the beach on Monday. It�s your choice. Do not eat next to the water � unless it is in a glass.
Leo 7/22-8/22
If you have a child, buy them dinner and slip him 5 dollars no matter what his age is. The older the son is � the more it will mess with his mind. If you have a daughter � skip the 5 bucks � and buy her white gym socks. If you don�t have children � write down two names � 1 for a boy 1 for a girl and save them someplace where you can find them in 10 years � even if you�re a lesbian or a gay man. If you smoke � get a pack of Export-A�s and confuse people. If you don�t smoke � buy a whole carton right now and smoke them all at once. Send me a thank you note afterwards saying you�ll never smoke again.
Virgo 8/23-9/21
Things are going well for you � whether you realize it or not. You are loved by so many people � even if you can�t see that. Finish what you have started and then take a nap. French onion soup is neither French nor just onions � eat it anyway.
Libra 9/21-10/22
Sorry, you have no horoscope today. You can either take this as a sign you are going to die or you have a chance to start fresh with a few things. If you are a suicidal person, take the other 11 people�s horoscopes for your own. Your possibilities are endless.
Scorpio 10/21-11/21
Do not be tempted to hide. Get up � get out � all is happy and glee in this world. Drink a whole lot more coffee before you go � though.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/20
Your next laptop isn�t coming any time soon. Your next house will be a pain in the ass � but worth it. Your weekend will be full of fun and laughs or just aggravation, but by now you should be used to that. Eat at a deli and insist on an extra pickle.
Capricorn 12/21-1/20
You have the world at your fingertips. The world is a ripe tomato ready for picking by you. Every cloud has a silver lining. When the world serves you lemons, make lemonade. Smack the next person who deals you 4 clich�s in a row. Tiramisu. Order the tiramisu.
Aquarius 1/21-2/19
If you became born again and held to the sun the hand the nail passed through casting a five fingered shadow pierced by a sunray laying on his grave�s name could you raise him up? No. So get over it � you have no choice but to. Live life like it worth living. Get the garden burger.
Pisces 2/20-3/19
Do not ignore the hesitancy of those around you. Address the envelope holding the short list of issues � it will do wonders for the stress level in your surroundings. For dinner, stick to dry food for all beings in your dwelling. If some of those beings are covered in fur and are not just male Homo Sapiens, stick to dry food permanently.
