� The Jaded & Angsty Horoscopes �
Aries 3/20-4/18
The Sun is in my Sagittarius eyes and I have a craving for a Moon over My Hammy from Bickfords because I didn't get enough Pisces over the past week but man did I get me some Virgo! Pheeeew weee. What does this have to do with you? Nothing, Aries has no horoscope this week. So consider yourself unbound by the laws of metaphysics and enjoy!
Taurus 4/19-5/19
You will meet a tall, dark and strange person. You won't know they are strange until you start to speak to them, so strike up a conversation with a stranger and hope he's not stranger than me. That would be bad. Cold Cuts.
Gemini 5/20-6/20
Don't ever walk through a drive through, they get confused, upset, and start to moan about pissy laws saying you need a car to order food through a crappy speaker in 110 degree heat. Feel free to get the biggie fries. MMmmm... biggie fries.
Cancer 6/21-7/21
Follow the next Gemini that you see going into a McDonalds. Wait for them to come outside, steal thier food and Run Forest RUN! Run like the wind, put the fries down somewhere the Gemini you just ripped off can't see, then give the rest back to the confused Gemini. Say, "I'm sorry, I though you were my brother, but I realized you weren't him BECAUSE HE HATES THE McFISH!" Give the bag back, walk away (unless you hear sirens) and have a nice snack with the French Fries.
Leo 7/22-8/22
Never ever ever tell a person to go to hell unless you know you can make them go. Never ever ever tell a person to fuck off if they're someone your sleeping with. Never ever ever tell someone you love them when you know you're probably going to be telling them to fuck off and go to hell - because that's just mean.
Virgo 8/23-9/21
Brush your cat. Bring home anything that is not doing well at work so you can look at it in a new light. You have an important date coming up, stick to it and make any stupid people related to that date stick to it too.
Libra 9/21-10/22
Order the 5th special from the top. Stop at the next traffic stop. Sit outside eating a blue freeze pop. Grab someone and jump into bed. Don't just plop in there - jump in a tangle of arms, legs, matted hair. I'm talking about the nasty here. The two backed monster, the dirty deed, when you have it your way - it just tastes better... ummm... hrmmm. How about we hug a stranger instead?
Scorpio 10/21-11/21
Little tiny 1 cm square Snickers bars wrapped individually are a sadistic food developed to torment larger people. You are either smaller or larger, so either boycott them for personal reasons or join a new cause. Feel free to extend this metaphor to other more mundane issues.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/20
Watch out for food poisoning. Stop forgetting to get back to people and try... just try to be a little more friendly? Ok? "Smoke em while you got em." Call someone out of the blue.
Capricorn 12/21-1/20
Take that recent disappointment to heart. It's telling you something. That something is that you should try again. Life is so good in some ways that you should take your shoes off and walk through the grass, get some sun, and just break down and love it.
Aquarius 1/21-2/19
Golf, Fishing, Swimming, Road Trips, Canoeing and dining are all on the Horizon. Take them off the Horizon because dodge makes their cars out of metal that will ruin all the fun summer activities you have lined up. Take these things out one at a time and pace yourself. Fun shouldn't be stressful - or burnt crispy.
Pisces 2/20-3/19
You know things are getting better all the time. Relax a bit and don't worry about how you sound. It's all good and people love you for who you are. IF they don't, then their not worth it to begin with and shouldn't get to see your Bathsheeba side.
