�� new old this that ��

2001-06-21.10:30 a.m.

achoo, excuse me are you homophobic?

I sneeze like a maniac

When I sneeze I don't sneeze once, I sneeze about 76 times in a row.

I can't help myself, it's a flaw, a horrible personal flaw that makes me less than other people because no one else (except for my mother) sneezes like I do.

I'll be in a meeting at work and something will set me off and watch out, john's going to hide under the conference table until the snot stops flying... again.

I worry about this, I really do.

It makes me a horrible person too, it really does, because if I sneeze 897 times in a row, I have to be a dirty person because I never have tissues.

I walk around with snot all over my hands and then purposefully seek socially upstanding men and women to shake hands with.

Just like homosexuals.

Because you see, if I can't help myself from sneezing more than once, and that makes me so bad, can you imagine how bad a person is if they're attracted to the opposite sex and can't help those feelings either? A homosexual man walks around looking to screw every man he sees - especially the big burly hairy sweaty right wing conservative men who wear jean jackets with huge confederate flags stitched to the back.

I heard their greatest attraction is to Senators in their 70's from North Carolina... named Jessie Helms. Jessie Helms is the homosexual beef cake of modern times.

I won't talk about lesbians because I don't want to get a chubby in my cube and have my boss walk up and think I'm a sneeze-a-holic AND a homosexual.

Anyway, it's all simply horrible, and that is why homosexuals have been banned from the Boy Scouts. This is really the reason - because if a person can't change their nature, if they can't conform to the majority view and just have sex with those with the correct texture, location and number of holes and or poles, then they can't be trusted to not take the next logical step and not have wild sex orgies late at night in damp mosquito infested tents that smell faintly of corn chips with 11 year old boys.

Damn am I glad I only sneeze a lot, because the Boy Scouts let me in when I was a boy.

Yep, I was a Boy Scout. I made it all the way to Eagle Scout with 3 palms - gold, silver, platinum. All by the age of 13 1/2 - the youngest in my state at that point... one of the youngest in the country.

I was a Patrol Leader, then I was senior Patrol Leader. I earned so many merit badges, I had to expand my scout binder holding all my achievements to a second volume. I was that good. I even got a letter from Ronald Reagan - commending me for being such a good Boy Scout.

You see, I was Uber Scout. I was a haad core boy scout. I might have even put the scout in boy... I was that good.

But lately I haven�t been telling people about this youthful accomplishment. It's actually embarrassing, because the organization that taught me so much and helped me become the weirdo that I am today turns out to be a god obsessed prejudice discriminating group of morons living in the 1950's

and frankly that makes me want to sneeze because its all just as stupid.



Go read Gary's take on all of this.



Tonight is slam practice, for my job today I have 10 pounds of work to do and only a 5 pound bag of time to do it in, right now I'm starving and need breakfast, I still have a patch on but it's making my arm itch and isn't working as well as the last one I used and someone around my hedgerow of cubes has gas.

Yesterday I didn't have gas and neither did anyone else as far as I could tell nor was that bad because I was in a meeting that lasted from 10:15 until 3 p.m. and that sucked enough because it was boring as hell.



For a while now my cat has been throwing up every other day or so, so we brought him to the vet, spent 150 on blood tests, ordered a bubbling water fountain from pet smart for him (because he's a sissy cat who only drinks fresh water) and then Jen went out and bought an $80 scratching post with a nest on top of it so he can hang out with us while we're on the coach.

Oops, that would be couch... 'hang out with us while we're on the couch.' - I make it a point of never mounting coaches. I'll let Jen speak for her self.

*cough*

ANYWAY, the vet calls me yesterday and tells me there's nothing wrong with the cat

which would make sense because he stopped barfing the very same day I called and made his appoinment.

My cat is annoying like that.

I think this is why I'm glad I don't have a child. Because if I did, I'd probably have to buy a house next door to the emergency room... and another house in the country - just to keep all of if it's stuff in.

Oh yes, I probably would be that type of father.



�� new old this that ��
            














Since Feb 2001





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