� The Jaded & Angsty Horoscopes �
Friday is always Horrorscope Day, and today is Friday!
Aries 3/20-4/18
Seattle is the Vegan capital of the world I hear, so pack your bags you've just won a no expenses paid trip to the local supermarket for whatever you want that's healthy. I am seeing water in your future.
Taurus 4/19-5/19
There once was a man from Nantucket who walked around with a bucket. Stay away from men with buckets. Become a kindness terrorist for a day. Scare the hell out of an old lady by holding the door for her and take your own joy by making her think you're going to mug her. Mutton lettuce and tomato sounds good, but it's really medieval food. Don't you miss pasta?
Gemini 5/20-6/20
Sunblock... Use more Sunblock. Have you ever seen an old piece of bacon? That will be you if you don't use the block. Want proof? Email me, I have pictures. Yogurt in a tube. Nasty in thought, appealing in taste. Try the yogurt. You have a creamy weekend theme.
Cancer 6/21-7/21
It's all about layers. Layers keep you warm, layers keep you cool, layers make for hella-good tasting deserts. You're weekend theme is layers - even if it's in a body sandwich.
Leo 7/22-8/22
Call the person who's been annoying you - just to remember why they're annoying. Scare the hell out of someone close to you. Walk up behind them while they are unaware and yell 'MY PANTS!' while you grab their waistline. Chips and Salsa. Hmmm. Yum!
Virgo 8/23-9/21
Make a new friend - or just become better friends with an acquaintance. Things are running smoother in your life, so use that opportunity to clear up the remaining problems that linger. Dunk-N-Doughnuts Sausage egg and Cheese on a plain bagel. Buy the pretty pink dress.
Libra 9/21-10/22
Try to stay away from those with idiot dildos stuck up their anus's saying oh what a pleasurable pain this is. Jamesone. Drink some Jameson if you're able to buy it. And you have enough to deal with - so fake being the perfect person if you do find yourself around the aforementioned dildo people. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Scorpio 10/21-11/21
Tell someone you are naked beneath your clothing. Put your car into low gear and follow people into the mall. Ask a dry cleaner if they can get pecker tracks out of a wedding dress. Insult someone by saying they're a few eggs short of a dozen. Their Christmas tree doesn't have all it's bulbs screwed in. Quote yourself and an old comedian as you treat your friend to lunch.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/20
Never ever ever quit smoking while you have 4 feet of responsibility in your two shoes. Stop reading Cosmo and find an old copy of Bitch. Don't buy Maxim, get a book. Put down the game pad and walk in the rain. Your number for the weekend is 3.
Capricorn 12/21-1/20
Oh my god is something interesting going to happen to you. It is certain. Something interesting that you will have to relate to your peers is going to happen to you by Sunday. Please don't sit in the house all weekend and make johnpowers look stupid... ok? KFC�.
Aquarius 1/21-2/19
Be careful in the ocean as you might get sucked under by a rip tide. Be careful in any water situation, you may slip and crack your knee. Watch out for weeds in the lake and psychotic children in the pool. However the only thing you have to fear is Spam itself.
Pisces 2/20-3/19
Boycot Coca Cola and Proctor and Gambel. Boycott flan in a can (and say can out loud so it rhymes with flan.) If you find yourself doing a repetitive job, intersperse it with noise. Make a song of it. Buy more bread. Don't you like pickles? Where are your pickles?
