For the record, I need to drink coffee now.
Why is it when your smoke alarm's battery starts to lose its charge, it never loses the mother fucking charge during any day light hours?
Why? Because that would be fair. That would be nice. That would be amazingly good both physically, metaphysically, karmicly, and without question - for my sanity.
But of course it doesn't ever happen that way. What happens is that the smoke alarm starts it's annoying little 'EEEEP' every 1.5 minutes at about 3am and I wake up every 1.5 minutes but I don't wake up ENOUGH to do anything about it, I just lay there dreaming that I'm DIEING and I'm hooked up to a really bad heart monitor and damn why is it so cold in here?
Why is it so cold? Because during the night either my girlfriend or I turned on the central air-conditioning that doesn't ever shut off. Why doesn't it shut off? Because it's MY central air-conditioning - air conditioning that if I leave it on long enough I'll be able to recreate the movie K2 in my living room while I use my frozen cat as a piton.
So...
So I woke up the morning cold and annoyed, so I went out on the back porch to smoke and thaw out in the sun while I let the sounds of the waterfall just down the path from my back door soothe my smoke alarm frayed nerves.
I smoked about half a coffin nail and I hear this guy walking down the wooden 50 foot stairs that lead to the wooden bridge that crosses the river a little ways from my back door. I didn't hear his foot steps, I heard him hocking loogies over the railing.
I slunk down in my chair hoping not be seen.
He saw me. He asked me if there were any fish in the polluted river. I said "Sometimes." He then asked me for a cigarette. "Sure, here you go, now go away before I pop your zit with the energy of my frayed nerves alone." "Thanks." "Ya ya, Shoo gross throat snot spitting man"
I start on my second cigarette.
He comes running back to me yelling "You gotta help me!"
(This was when I really woke up by the way)
It turns out no one had just got themselves run over and it turns out nothing was on fire and didn't get detected by my now mangled and in pieces smoke alarm, it turns out that his car was towed because he parked it in the wrong lot.
"What am I gonna do man? Am I screwed?"
"Pretty much" is all I said.
I can be such a bastard.
Its at this point that I saw a maintenance guy walking by.
"He works here, go talk to him"
The tall dorky lugger monster guy runs in a panic to the maintenance guy, I ran in the opposite direction, locked my back door behind me and jumped in the shower with my girlfriend.
Ahhhh, washing my back without having to stretch.
It was a good morning.
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Hey, if you want to see me in action hosting a really great poetry slam, you can watch a recording of me hosting the Urbana Poetry Finals from back in May.
Part I
Part II
Part III
