Monday is Headline day - The headlines are real, the story and the take are mine.
� HAPPY CANADA DAY!
I bet a lot of us US freaks didn't know it was Canada Day did you? What do you do on Canada Day anyway? Eat mints? CANADIAN MINTS? Har har har!
BACK TO WORK
� Vice President returns after weekend surgery
He just had a dual-purpose pacemaker-defibrillator implanted in his chest on Saturday and bright and early Monday morning he's back to work helping to push for more coal fired electrical plants, arctic drilling, and the killing of all butterfly�s "because we don't need no stinking pretty nature!"
He's had 3 hospital stays since January... but "his health was not a concern to President Bush when he chose Cheney as his running mate."
Airline Merger Founders
� United to Cancel US-Air Deal
Umm... I have no idea what I can write about this that would be either interesting or funny. I suppose I could try a tie-in with air planes, the mile high club (thanks to whomever sent me a text message asking if I wanted to join it btw...) all while pretending again that I have a an extremely small penis. Unfortunately I don't have the energy and I prefer to not get a woody at work, because yes, my own writing can make me hard. *cough* ummm... yeah... whatever.
The Bloody Diamond Trade
� 'Date Line NBC' investigates
"Dood I'll give you my scab covered internally flawless Marquis 1.00 ct with slight yellow coloring for your white Radiant 1.50 ct with the giant blood clot inclusion that looks like Sylvester Stalone's face at the end of Rocky I." "Nah, my fianc�e liked Rocky. Its sentimental."
Attacks rock Mideast �cease-fire�
� Car bombs follow helicopter attack
Here we go again. Oh wait, did it ever stop? No. Cease fire my ass... why does that read like a flatulence reference?
Japan seeks arrest of U.S. soldier
� Sergeant accused of raping woman
How many women are raped every day in the US? "A hell of a lot." How much is rape discussed in the media? "Not at all." So all in all, this headline pisses me off because it probably won't generate much discourse about sexual assault, it will just focus on 'current problems in the Army' Grrr.
Nuclear reprocessing sets off alarms
� WashPost: Bush plan revives debate
Deep in the Bush administration�s energy plan is a reference to an alternative approach to disposing of radioactive waste from nuclear power plants - reprocessing reactor waste - which can create plutonium, the raw material for nuclear weapons. If the United States embraces the reprocessing of nuclear waste � something it has refused to do for the last 24 years � it could lead to the proliferation of technologies that produce plutonium, and boost the amount of plutonium available around the world . Having more plutonium available would make it much more likely that weapons-grade plutonium could fall into the hands of terrorists or rogue nations.
Now is it me or would a conspiracy theorist draw a correlation between this and the anti nuclear missile shield being pushed to prevent the very same threat that could be created by this?
Now is it me or would a normal person draw a conclusion that creating a problem because you already have a solution is dumb wasteful and generally expected from the current administration?
It must just be me.
The summer of sticker shock
� Newsweek: High price of vacation fun
Vacation fun is now going for 3,000 dollars US, mediocre vacations are going for 1,000 dollars US, while really shitty vacations are still at the current rate of 5 dollars US for a trip to Buck-A-Book: 2 dollars for two books to read and three dollars for the gallon of gas it takes to get there and back the abandoned building you're squatting in.
Why do you have a car if you have to squat? Because it's a vacation and you drove to the vacation apartment. Get it? Ahh never mind.
� �A.I.� leads U.S. weekend box office
Go read casperwoo's review and a counter review by GaryHoare of A.I. as I haven�t seen the movie - nor will I probably anytime soon. Why? Because movies are made by the Devil. Yes, that's right, they're all made by Disney.
� �Scoop� on Roberts-Bratt break-up
Benjamin-Bratt-Julia-Roberts break-up was-it because-of a Benjamin-Bratt-Talisa-Soto thing or-was-it because-of a Julia-Roberts-George-Clooney thing? Could-it have been a Benjamin-Bratt-unknown-married-woman thing?
Who-Cares?
� Actors unions extend contract talks
Yay, more mediocre movies.
� Busy week ahead at Wimbledon
I like to watch tennis. It's one of my guilty pleasures when it comes to sports, and yes when I played NCAA Racquetball in college, I did own a pair of the fluorescent Andre Agasi shorts with sewn in spandex underneath.
� WashPost: Lord Archer�s perjury trial
"You lied! You have shot an arrow before! You're an Archer for Queen's sake!"
"I never wanted to be an archer, I wanted to be a dentist."
� Diana at 40: A quiet observance
"Yep. that's what I see too."
"Are you sure? That's what you see?"
"Yep, she's still dead."
I'm going to hell and will get lots of hate mail for this one - I know it, but for the love of Pete, let her rest already. Am I the only one who feels she was ultimately killed by the paparazzi? Even if her and Dodey were dumbasses for not wearing their seat belts?
Local News:
Storms batter area, cleanup underway
� The cleanup continues in the wake of pounding weekend thunderstorms in Northern
Rhode Island and Southern Massachusetts. But the rain, wind, and lightning may not be gone for good. Here's the latest from WeatherNet 10.
WeatherNet 10: "I know we said Providence was going to be obliterated by massive thunderstorms, but that was all Dan Janig's fault. He was drunk again and recorded another 'Special' segment. Our next forecast will be right.'
'Louie the Lobsterman' dies
� Louis Jagschitz, a lobsterman who became an icon of Rhode Island fishing life, died Saturday at Newport Hospital at the age of 80.
"And I can come up with incongruous images such as a lobster man in Birkenstocks sipping a cappuccino - his finger pointing towards the sky..." - Taylor Mali.
Drinking water deadline arrives
� Federal environmental regulators say the deadline for community drinking water suppliers across Rhode Island to tell the public about their water has arrived.
A huge loud speaker atop a van blares: "HEY PUBLIC YOU HAVE TAP WATER. TURN YOUR FAUCET TO THE LEFT! YES! TURN IT! SEE? YOU HAVE WATER!"
