�� new old this that ��

2001-07-06.12:02 p.m.

� The Jaded & Angsty Horoscopes �

Hello to anyone stuck in their empty offices as I am. Half the world seems to have taken today off from work... unfortunately I'm not in that half

and of course today is Friday and Friday is Horrorscope Day.

Aries 3/20-4/18
Go out side right away. Stand there with your face to the sky feeling the sun warm your face. Breath the air. Smell the air. For half the world what you're smelling is summer, don't let another season go by too fast. Melon.

Taurus 4/19-5/19
Once upon a midnight dreary you stood in a space so clearly, put your hands to your hips, felt another's lips and took sips deep while looking into another�s eyes... or at least you will someday. Unless you don't have arms. If you don't have arms, forget the hips part. Do it again or make it happen. Chicken.

Gemini 5/20-6/20
Hotdogs are not dogs and if you let them sit long enough they won't be hot either. Life is full of contradictions and honestly, they don't really matter. Live a little more for yourself because someday that's all you have. Hold the moat at all costs! Bananas.

Cancer 6/21-7/21
Bread. French bread. Butter. Salad. Wine or Grape Juice. Chicken breasts. Blanket. Basket. Dog named Toto. Be careful if you are picnicking in Kansas... but picnic anyway.

Leo 7/22-8/22
Go to the water, get in the water, splash the water. Your condiments are running low. Garden Burger.

Virgo 8/23-9/21
You have way too much going on. Too many people wanting things from you while you're not doing enough for yourself. Responsibility can be evil - eh? You are missed. Yogurt.

Libra 9/21-10/22
Think about a trip involving a hotel. Not a motel, a hotel. Raise the white flag and get going. Oatmeal.

Scorpio 10/21-11/21
Peace and Poetry are not synonymous. The wildlife you can find in a city is amazing, it's tenacity to hold onto even the smallest pockets of nature can be inspiring. Never forget where you came from. Do not eat roast duck, do not eat the McNugget. Cake.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/20
Here's the plan: Go up to the person in your life who's first name begins with an 'L' and give them a kiss on the cheek. Then tell them that the kiss was from johnpowers. This should have varied effects because hopefully there's more than 1 Sagittarius reading this.

If your 'L' is a child, it will make the child happy and at the same remind the child that not all scary internet people are really that scary... or I may get arrested for being a pervert. I'm willing to risk it.

If 'L' is a homophobic man, it should shake him up a bit and possibly cause him to get all 'Bad Dad from American Beauty' on me as he shoots me in the head - thus getting rid of my headache.

If your 'L' is an enlightened man, then he'll probably think I'm cute and that would be ok, but it will hopefully get him to remember why he's enlightened in the first place.

If 'L' is a free thinking woman, it may turn her on and she'll court my girlfriend Jen until she agrees to a threesome because I am a man and that's ALL us men ever think about - having threesomes - and I can die a happy man right before the American Beauty guy shoots me in the head.

If 'L' is a closed minded woman, she may just blow it off like every female blew me off in high school. That would make me feel nostalgic, and what's wrong with nostalgia?

"But why johnpowers?"

"Because I'm a Sagittarius and god damnit for once this particular horoscope is going to be about me."

Eat some vegetables that are considered roots.

Capricorn 12/21-1/20
Look at Orion in the nights sky - go to a place where you can see the stars and not the ever present glow of man and his influence. Notice the darkness - the vastness - the awe inspiring wonder that we are all indeed very very small. Watermelon.

Aquarius 1/21-2/19
Do not be afraid to use a hook or barb to reel someone in. Having the tools for a job almost requires you to do it, so go ahead, finish what you started. Kiwi!

Pisces 2/20-3/19
If you find a brick, pick it up and place it back. If you find a flat stone, skip it along the water. If you find quarter - give it away. If you find yourself, never give it up, but share. Don't close yourself off. Crab.



�� new old this that ��
            














Since Feb 2001





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