Monday�s top stories from the paper � spoofed, explained and or editorialized.
OVEREXPOSED!
� U.S. Skin cancer rates have doctors alarmed
Ever notice anyone involved in a science is always alarmed?
Climatologists are alarmed over rising global temperatures.
Ichthyologists are alarmed due to vanishing salmon stocks.
Wildlife-habitat-ologists are alarmed because of vanishing wildlife habitat...
Now as these are all things that concern me, including skin cancer (I was a sun worshiping life guard during high school and college) I'd like to say that I'm rather alarmed by the lack vocabulary of contemporary science.
If I were the newspaper and I cared, I'd rewrite this headline:
YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
� U.S. Skin cancer rates have doctors freaking the fuck out!
Much better eh?
� Small firms benefit from downsizing
"It's not downsizing, I was just in the pool for an hour!"
"Haven't you ever heard of shrinkage?!?!?"
� Newsweek: Modern navel intelligence
I don't know about you, but my navel was doing my homework for me in high school and that was back between 1986 and 1989.
Modern? Please.
"What do you think Harry?"
"Feed me already, the answer is 19." <-- picture a belly button talking.
(Wow, I am just not funny today)
"Hey it's not my fault the lack of humor in this headline has funnyologists alarmed!"
Thompson: Bush�s decision is firm
� HHS secretary insists the president will not expand his stance on use of stem cells.
Here's my bitch. No, I'm not going to rage on about Bush or anything like that... My complaint is with the media.
They all waited until after Bush made his decision to start explaining in detail about stem cells. Let public opinion be completely speculative and then after the decision has been made - explain in excruciating detail.
"What�s an embryo?" "How does this all work?" "What's it look like before we destroy the little clump of potential life?"
STEP 1: An egg is fertilized by a sperm in a lab dish.
STEP 2: The fertilized egg begins to divide and develop into an embryo. About five days later, the embryo becomes a blastocyst -- a hollow ball of about 100 cells. The inner cells are the embryonic stem cells.
STEP 3: Stem cells are removed from the blastocyst and cultured in the laboratory where they theoretically can multiply indefinitely.
STEP 4: By adding and removing certain proteins, scientists can coax the cells to develop into new heart, bone, nerve or other cells to treat diseases.
So if you were under the impression that scientists are destroying miniature babies with tiny little arms and fingers - just to get the stem cells, then you are mistaken.
...and you can thank the media for informing you so late.
� WashPost: AIDS challenges church
The bishops of Southern Africa - the center of the African AIDS pandemic - after five days of closed-door debate, pronounced the "widespread and indiscriminate promotion of condoms ... an immoral and misguided weapon in our battle against HIV-AIDS." By undermining abstinence and marital fidelity, they said, "condoms may even be one of the main reasons for the spread of HIV-AIDS." The church also routinely questions if condoms help prevent the spread of the disease at all.
Now what could I add to this? Nothing. I'd say it speaks for itself.
JohnPowers is sick of politics.
� I still care however
I'm going to tone down the political rhetoric because honestly most of it is boring. I'll just stick to my rants now and then. The constant bashing of conservatives is just getting boring for me.
JohnPowers might sign a new lease today.
� Dream apartment may no longer be a dream.
Ok, just to set up tomorrow�s joyous entry or tomorrow�s ranting life is not fair entry. I'm going to let myself get excited about this new apartment Jen and I might be moving into.
It has 6 rooms, a washer, a dryer, a dishwasher, two working fire places, 15 speakers wired through out the house with a central controller, a front porch, a driveway and garage, a basement, a little spot out back for a garden, central air conditioning and heat, a room that is painted purple, two salmon pink rooms, a green kitchen, a lemon yellow bedroom, a walnut paneled spare bedroom, wood floors, and lots and lots and lots of windows.
Oh, and it's very near the late night never wanting for something to do street... and near my friends houses.
If I don't get this place I am going to break my office window and jump.
Seriously, so wish me luck.
