�� new old this that ��

09.01.01.1:12 am

the grandfather of my girlfriend died yesterday.

Death takes everyone eventually.

So I ignore it.

I pretend it won't take me.

         (It won't take you.)

Pretend
        those around me are going 
        to live forever

        I'll have time when I have time
                    time I'll take then...


   so I don't call       my mother
   can't be bothered to track down 
           the father I never knew


I don't take the time to drive an hour 
               to sit with either Aunt
               
       to hear the stories
       and remember with them
       commit the past to memory to pass along

                      should I ever breed.

Death takes everyone
eventually,

and when it does I feel the loss
    no matter who it is.

Whether I met them twice or knew them all my life
       I feel it
                   then

       and only then...

       do I feel the sense of loss.

Fact is, I'm losing people 
each minute and all the time.

I'm just too wrapped up to take notice.

My girlfriend's grandfather died today,
and I almost feel as if she's taking it 
better than I am, and I hardly knew the man.

Do I feel for her?  Is it bringing back 
the hard memories of everyone I've lost 
so far?  

        Or am I realizing once again I 
  know what I should be doing but also know 
I'll be doing nothing about it 
once again 
           and 
                again 
             
                 and 
    
         again?

Yes, yes and yes.
That and so very much 
more.

Perhaps it's time to stop
feeling sorry for myself.

�� new old this that ��