Proof I wasted my Saturday
Pissed off, but pissed at yourself even more?
Loathe someone but are full of self loathing?
Want someone gone, but fear having to live with it for the rest of your life?
Well you're in luck, just follow our 10 steps to getting caught, and you're sure to botch the job!
Brought to you by the Discovery Channel's 'The New Detectives' because yesterday after helping my friend Ray move from one second floor apartment to another second floor apartment, I found I had no life and I obviously could not move enough to reach the remote control.
1 - Buy all of your murder supplies at the same local Wal-Mart at the same time and pay with a personal check.
2 - Return the rental car you just used with blood stains on the carpets and trunk and enough damage that the rental car company can't rent it out for at least a week.
3 - Make sure you live in a very small town, make sure they all know how much of a prick you are.
4 - TAKE OUT A LOT OF LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES.
5 - Call your accomplice from the payphone nearest to the site you dumped the body.
6 - Use your personal phone card every time you call your accomplice. Also, see #5.
7 - Make sure they find the body right away - preferably right outside your home.
8 - Openly state at a bar that you wish Mr./Ms So and So were dead. State it loudly and often to your co workers as well.
9 - Do not post in your online journal that you know how to stage the perfect murder.
10 - Right before you commit your murder, MOVE TO TEXAS.
Now is it me, or do they only show the stupidest people on these shows?
If 'The Greatest Police Chases' is pure propaganda designed to trick you into believing you can't get away, then 'The New Detectives' must serve a dual purpose as propaganda to trick you into believing that you can't get away with it, as well as a more subtle subversive purpose - which is to make you feel that you as an individual are just plain smarter than everyone else.
