� The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes �
Every Friday is Horrorscope day - Horoscopes, scary things, and apparently dietary suggestions... Yes I am a serious astrologer's bad dream...
I slammed last night. Round 1, I performed 'You have to wait in line.' I got a 29.5 out of 30 points. Round 2, I performed this poem I do called 'Anthem.' It was serious and had a message so I scored a 28.5. The third and last round I did my 'Suits on Ice' poem and scored a perfect 30. I beat Bill Macmillan, Victor Infante, Ed Fuqua, and 4 other poets. I won. I had the best time. It felt so good to just perform on the AS220 stage.
The Horrorscopes
So... Michael Jackson performed with N'Sync last night for less than a minute at the MTV�s Video Music Awards. Although I didn't get to see it, just the thought of it had me jacking up my pants, looking for my single sequined glove and checking under the bed for my JC Chasez mask. Sadly I was only able to jack my pants.
Aries 3/20-4/18
They told him don't you ever come around here Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear So beat it, just beat it... Potato chips really do sound louder in your head than to those around you when you chew. So now is not the time to feel self conscious.
Taurus 4/19-5/19
You better run, you better do what you can Don't wanna see no blood, don't be a macho man You wanna be tough, better do what you can So beat it, but you wanna be bad... Potato chips for breakfast are fine if they're left over from yesterday's lunch and they're not yet stale. Stand up for your rights - even the right to choose your morning meal, but pick your fights carefully.
Gemini 5/20-6/20
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight It doesn't matter who's wrong or right Just beat it, beat it Just beat it, beat it Just beat it, beat it Just beat it, beat it... Cape Cod Dark Russet Potato Chips are vegan, but McDonalds French Fries supposedly were as well... so why don't you just have some eggs. You can scramble them with a friend and use the opportunity to do something with someone you care about. That would be fun.
Cancer 6/21-7/21
You're all I ever wanted You're all I ever needed yeah So tell me what to do now 'Cause I want you back... Go back to nature. Take the time to see the ocean, the forests, the hills... unless your from the Midwestern flat lands. I have no idea how to get back to nature in the flat lands... find an open field and look at a lone mule. Go home and enjoy the fresh air ache in your lungs. Hot Chocolate.
Leo 7/22-8/22
They're out to get you, better leave while you can Don't wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man You wanna stay alive, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it... Paranoid? Feeling as if people are talking behind your back? They probably are, but screw em. Who cares what they think? He likes you, she likes you, you should like you... you're all set. Flan.
Virgo 8/23-9/21
You have to show them that you're really not scared You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare They'll kick you, then they beat you, Then they'll tell you it's fair So beat it, but you wanna be bad... Look, if you want to be bad, then perhaps it's time to splurge a bit. Go tackle him, go kiss her, go buy it, get it, shoot it, swallow it, take it, rub it, snub it, take a tub with it, just beat it - get out of here already, get it over with and then go back to normal. Eat the birthday cake.
Libra 9/21-10/22
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight It doesn't matter who's wrong or right... It's amazing what was once popular, so think twice before jumping on this latest trend. Sure it's fun now, but you could end up like me with a closet full of flannel and nothing to wear because it's the hottest day in August and you don't even own any shorts that aren't spandex. Apple.
Scorpio 10/21-11/21
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight It doesn't matter who's wrong or right... Know someone who smells bad? There really is no way to politely tell them, other than to not be teasing about it. So tell them... "Go take a shower, believe me, you need to shower... now." Don't worry if you're nice about it they won't try to kick your ass. Remarkably this technique works for almost all difficult situations.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/20
It's hard to say I'm sorry It's hard to make the things I did undone
A lesson I've learned too well for sure So don't hang up the phone now... Competition is good, it makes you strive for something greater. It humbles you when you fail, because at some point you have to - or just quit altogether... and where's the fun in that? So go for it - reach for the brass ring! Angelina Jolie's breasts can be yours!
Capricorn 12/21-1/20
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight It doesn't matter who's wrong or right Just beat it, beat it Beat it, beat it, beat it... Sheesh. Sick of a person repeating themselves over and over and over - the same stories, the same lines? Do something about it. Yell "SHUT UUUUUUUUP!" in their face and then go back to what you were doing. C'mon it will be fun. Fresh Grapes.
Aquarius 1/21-2/19
I'm trying to figure out just what to do I'm going crazy without you
You're all I ever wanted You're all I ever needed yeah (You're the one I want) (You're the one I need) (Tell me, what can I do) You're all I ever wanted (You're the one I want) You're all I ever needed (You're the one I need) So tell me what to do now... Relationship trouble? Perhaps it's time to tell them how you really feel. Be honest, ask of them to come clean with what they need. If your not willing or able to give that, then either compromise or throw in the monogrammed sweat covered memorabilia towel. Peaches.
Pisces 2/20-3/19
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight It doesn't matter who's wrong or right Just beat it, beat it Beat it, beat it, beat it... Be as gracious in defeat as well as in victory. Taunting 'Nya nya I got your maaaan. I got your wooomaaaa... an." is not great for future karmic possibilities - especially if a Leo finds out what you are saying. Muffins.
The preceding horoscopes have been brought to you by
JP-CECM-GHIL.
(pronounced Jay Pee Kekem Gill)
The john powers coalition to enhance the careers of two of my greatest heroes in life.
or perhaps not...
