So every Wednesday I become The Answer Guy. If you need advice or need the answer to something, click on any of the � advice links on this site and ask anything you would like to.
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name: m0ok
email:
url: http://m0ok.diaryland.com
question:
Lord Powers,
I died around twenty minutes ago. There was no tunnel or anything and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do or where I'm supposed to go next. Any ideas?
Answer:
In any case, its a safe bet you can begin decomposition. After that I would start learning the names of the worms in your new neighborhood.
If your spirit learns how to haunt and trigger poltergeist type activity, throw some books or CD's at me to get my attention,
I'll write down the names and last known addresses of the majority of my ex-girlfriends, and then we'll talk about my detailed resurrection knowledge - AFTER you've successfully scared the bejesus out of those horrible people WHO STOMPED ON MY BLEEDING HEART
LIKE WIPING THEIR FEET ON A RUBBER BATH MATT
*SQUISH* *SQUISH*
LIKE A RUBBER BATH MATT!
*SQUISH* *SQUISH*
Oh, you'll definitely be getting the name of my college Finance professor as well. A short but effective possession of him while he's in with the college president should do the trick.
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name: babs
email: [email protected]
url: http://
question:
I went to the store yesterday to purchase two boxes of peirogies. one was onion and potato, and one was onion and cheese. when i got home, i followed the directions to the letter, but the peirogies came out all sticky and glutonous.
First off, is glutonous a word? does it mean sticky pasta? i swear, it reminded me a bit of the texture of jism.
Second off, how can i get my peirogies to not be so damn sticky all the time!?
Thirdly, if mexico, canada and the US actually merged into one country, what the hell would we call it?
Fourth question (i hope i am not being to forward here) how long does your penis get when you think about naked fascinatingly beautiful strippers all begging you to let them give you oral sex in your living room? would it be like a birthday party fantasy?
and finally, I can't make up my mind whether to go outside and smoke a cigarette and enjoy the beautiful whispy currents of nicotine being inhaled, or stay inside and smoke a nice well-packed camel light, letting the cigarette dangle so precariously on my lower lip, and enjoy it that way. if you could choose between only these two, which would it be?
thanks, john. you are a god.
Answer:
1) Gluttonous - Indulging in something, such as an activity, to excess; voracious
Glutinous - Of the nature of or resembling glue; the texture of jism; sticky
So you probably meant Glutinous.
2) "How can i get my peirogies to not be so damn sticky..."
You need to use more flower.
3) "If mexico, canada and the US actually merged into one country, what the hell would we call it?"
North America.
4) "(i hope i am not being to forward here) how long does your penis get when you think about naked fascinatingly beautiful strippers all begging you to let them give you oral sex in your living room?"
Exactly 95 percent longer than when I am watching Carrot Top act like the annoying moron he is for some 10-10-321 rip off collect calling service... because, damn, he gets me hot.
5) "...[Go] outside and smoke... or stay inside and smoke..."
I would say smoke outside. Smoking outside tends to make your house smell... less like an ashtray.
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name: Jen
email: [email protected]
url: http://sjomedia.diaryland.com
question:
Picture your perfect living room in your head: what does it look like?
Answer:
A couch, bookshelves, wood floors, tasteful area rug, end table, dark brass lamp, clutter-less mantle, and you sitting in it.
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name: schmo
email:
url: http://desperada.diaryland.com
question:
oh, man, please tell me why being a teenager sucks. *please* tell me why they are all so desperate and why girls who go to single sex schools are such sluts? aaaaaaaarrrgh. please tell me why private schools are breeding grounds for royal jerkoffs. and PLEASE tell me why boys who go to single sex schools are so ugly. - schmo
Answer:
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Being a teenager sucks because you have the mental capabilities to survive on your own - as any adult would - but you don't have the legal, social, economic and familiar freedom to do so. You're trapped in between adult hood and child hood. You don't have a hood. You don't fit in either group's hood but you do fit in a special hood - the hood called adolescence hood or just - "being a teenager" - and that as you know is a sucky hood.
Teenagers are so desperate because they have restrictions on them that prevent them from maximizing their debauchery. Less time for debauchery means less successful debauchery, less successful debauchery means greater degrees of desperate...ness for debauchery which in turn guarantees even greater amounts of less successful debauchery and so on.
Girls who go to single sex schools are such sluts because they somehow found a way to be successful at debauchery and since boys who are successful at debauchery are studly ladies men, logically society would have to brand women who have the same degree of success as - sluts.
Private schools are breeding grounds for royal jerkoffs because rich people often send their children to such schools and if a child is reared in an environment of privilege yet is not socialized properly they may try to lead their public lives expecting not only the monetary privilege they are used to, but the privilege of acting however they like as well as treating people however they like.
Boys who go to single sex schools are so ugly because they're all trying to NOT look hot for the other students, because hell, there aren't any girls around to impress and who wants to put in the effort just to hear your friend Joey say "Hey, you look good today."
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name: breadsticks
email:
url: http://breadsticks.diaryland.com
question:
Dear JohnPowers,
Two of my best friends were a couple for most of the time that I've known them. Recently they split up. The relationship did not end very badly, but now I find myself being torn between them as to which one I should spend time with. They both confide in me as well, so they bitch about each other to me. Also when I spend time with the girl, the guy gets very jealous and gets pretty pissed with me. What should I do? I want to remain friends with both of them, but things just seem to be leading me to have to take sides.
Answer:
If you have to choose sides - pick the one who complicates your life the least.
The best thing to do would be to explain to both of them that you intend to remain friend with both of them and to respect your wishes as a true friend would.
Don't refuse to talk about the other person while you are with the other (did that make sense?) but make the related stories short and very boring. Do not let yourself be the way either of them finds out information about the other - if you let yourself be that intermediary, you are being used for that and not being treated as a real friend.
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name: Lanore
email: crookedhaio
url: http://theothergirl.diaryland.com
question:
I'm an 11th grader and I am taking a creative writing class. For the next assignment, we need to pick a controversal topic and right a debate about it. The teacher doesn't want anything boring and cliche. Like driving age, drinking age, abortion and so on. I know that you are smart and seem to know a lot about news and stuff so I was wondering if you could give me a few ideas. Thing is, I am suppose to have this topic by Friday and I missed you answer day. I hope you can get back to me soon, but if not, I appreciate you taking the time to read this.
Answer:
Whoops, looks like I am replying too late. Sorry. In the future, feel free to use email for pressing matters.
Story ideas:
Spam - the greatest invention of the 20th century.
Income Tax - why it is illegal.
Waiting in line - are we cattle or good citizens.
Business People on Ice - the new X game.
Cloning - the hope for more free time?
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name: Piper
email: [email protected]
url: http://white-rook.diaryland.com
question:
If you could seriously maim any talk show host, who would it be?
Answer:
Marc Summers.
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name: kittyhead
email: [email protected]
url: http://
question:
How does one secretly get revenge on a duplicitous, eerily self-confident boss? This person has a high belt in a martial art so its better that they not know its me, but I'd just like to knock her down a peg.
Thanks.
Answer:
Revenge is such a personal matter. You really have to know someone well to reek vengeance on them appropriately.
Is it really worth imprisonment and a firing from your job?
Perhaps you think differently than I do and would not go that far...
You should visit the Revenge Lady - she's the expert when it comes to this stuff.
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name: neenster
email: [email protected]
url: http://neenster.diaryland.com
question:
Dear John, Why do buttons have a way of unbuttoning themselves when you least expect it? Sincerely, neenster
Answer:
Whether made by the thousands of plastic, or individually crafted of precious materials, buttons on our clothing is one of the few things that we have in common with our ancestors. One thing we do not have in common with our ancestors is that we no longer walk around naked.
Buttons are an imperfect invention made by man to be imperfect on purpose because deep down humans have a primal urge to see each other naked.
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name: NOT Genghis Jon
email:
url: NOT http://genghis-jon.diaryland.com
question:
Dear John Powers.
Why is it that Genghis Jon has such a commanding power over us women? I mean, I haven't even met him and I find myself dreaming about what his feet would taste like if I were licking them. Is there anyway to make "normal" guys more like Genghis Jon? Also, how come groundhogs have a holiday, but not Genghis Jon?
-Thanks.
-Not Genghis Jon
PS You have a name like a superhero.
Answer:
It is because Genghis Jon wears attraction pheromones that he orders through the mail.
The only problem is that when the mail man comes every other week with his new supply of attraction pheromones Genghis has to suppress some pretty strong Homo-erotic feelings for him. Coincidentally these attraction pheromones are geared towards the opposite sex and actually have no chemical effect on Genghis and the mail man attraction seems to be some child hood issue dealing with uniforms.
You are attracted to his feet because he anoints his feet daily with the attraction pheromones. Don't worry, he hasn't yet let any sort of Jesus complex shine.
The way to make 'normal' guys be more like Genghis is to get them to buy a lot of attraction pheromones through the mail.
The reason groundhogs have a holiday, but not Genghis Jon is because Groundhog Day, February 2nd, is a popular tradition and legend that traverses centuries, its origins clouded in the mists of time with ethnic cultures and animals awakening on specific dates. Myths such as this tie our present to the distant past when nature did, indeed, influence our lives. It is the day that the Groundhog comes out of his hole after a long winter sleep to look for his shadow.
If he sees it, he regards it as an omen of six more weeks of bad weather and returns to his hole.
If the day is cloudy and, hence, shadowless, he takes it as a sign of spring and stays above ground.
The groundhog tradition stems from similar beliefs associated with Candlemas Day and the days of early Christians in Europe, and for centuries the custom was to have the clergy bless candles and distribute them to the people. Even then, it marked a milestone in the winter and the weather that day was important.
Genghis Jon was not around in his current incarnation back when people were ignorant of the ways of science and since we no longer make holidays for people unless they die tragically, he's out of luck.
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