Every Friday is Horrorscope day - Horoscopes and meal advice for the weekend.
First thing in the morning I'm moving to the new apartment. Boo. Fricking. Yeah.
I am actually giddy today with excitement - not at moving heavy stuff - but at living in a place where interesting things once again will happen - as opposed to hoodlums throwing rocks at my head and tossing my lawn furniture in a river.
My cat's going to be happy too.
The Horrorscopes!
Aries 3/20-4/18
Although highly effective and fashionable in some counties, you should take the tissues out of your nose before venturing into public. Do not pass stop without stopping. Pancakes.
Taurus 4/19-5/19
You're going to be late for work because the bus never came, and that's because you live in a small Wyoming town and there's no bus route that goes by your house. Try carpooling. Tortellini with pesto sauce.
Gemini 5/20-6/20
When that somebody�s something reminds you of something special don't sell your soul to embarrassment... TELL THEM. People like to have connections. It will be good for both of you. Plain old good old spaghetti with sauce.
Cancer 6/21-7/21
It's going to drop in the toilet. Use the brush to get it out and then toss it or boil it. If its not yours, don't just put it back. That's just nasty. Get some fruit and drop it in your yogurt.
Leo 7/22-8/22
After years of waiting that jock you knew is going to be admitted into the football hall of fame after he buys an airplane ticket to Canton Ohio and pays the 8.50 admission fee. Braughtwurst.
Virgo 8/23-9/21
*Que the Bob Marley music.* You can let it go. You. Can. Let. It. Go. Not completely. Experiences change you. You hurt but then you have to choose if you're going to shrink or grow. Accept your choices, accept your luck, and remember everything's gonna be all right now, everything�s gonna be alright. Tapioca.
Libra 9/21-10/22
Although fuzzy, warm, and temporarily soothing what's around your neck is indeed not a scarf but your house cat. Accordingly, be careful in traffic. Baked Lays.
Scorpio 10/21-11/21
You will purchase a coffee, peel back the lid sipping orifice tab, gently sip, and burn your tongue. Sorry. I'm just the messenger, don't pretend the messenger is McDonalds and sue me. Get a bagel to go with your caffeine goodness.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/20
Go to a bookstore and stand in the mystery novel section. Every time someone picks up a book, make up an ending and 'give it away' to them. When they look at you funny, say "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I was in cooking!" Then walk away. Order a half calf double decaff caff with a twist of "Hey, this is a line from a movie, bet you never heard this before!" Take a ride in a limo. Order fries, but specify that you want the French ones.
Capricorn 12/21-1/20
When next borrowing money it is imperative that you at least pretend that you are going to pay the person back. Take all of your change and give the supermarket a cut for letting you use their machine to turn it into paper. Large denomination coins are not quite a 50/50 toss. Liquorice.
Aquarius 1/21-2/19
You're really a good person for doing it and normally they would be thrilled as all heck, but next time you might as well wait for winter before shoveling the drive way. Hot Cocoa.
Pisces 2/20-3/19
Although it is the perfect excuse to give your boss for a mental health day, every time you sneeze, you have no been exposed to Anthrax spores. It's the perfume of the person near you. Channel Number MYGOD THAT SMELLS BAD! Lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, turkey, SPROUTS, wheat bread.
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