Last night was pretty uneventful. No fires, no near electrocutions, no heavy objects falling on me... I fixed nothing of importance and basically took the night off to rest and relax. People were starting to comment that I was walking around like an old man with a bent back, so I figured I should take it easy.
Tomorrow is the wedding of two of my friends Gary and Melissa - which should be fun. Send them well wishes!
I can't wait to see them and a bunch of my friends... and it's looking like it's going to be a great day too.
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The Horoscopes:
For those who care, the Sun is in Libra and the Moon is going from Scorpio into Sagittarius... which sounds like an incestuous orgy to me, but what do I know?
aries
March 21 - April 19
It takes guts to point out when someone is making a mistake. You have what it takes to point that out - for your own sake as well. Save them from themselves and you won't regret it. "Do you really want a tattoo of that there??" Maraschino cherries.
taurus
April 20 - May 20
Sucky week? Don't feel like going out much this weekend? Well, there's one thing you have to do, and the rest is up to you. Do what you have to and take the rest for yourself. Your generosity is appreciated but that probably was not communicated back to you. Confront them on it - in due time. Eat a salad with non-traditional greens.
gemini
May 21 - June 21
Ask not what you can do for your country, but why is brie cheese so creamy! Sing with me, "Can't buy me luuu-hov can't me luuu-hov..." Nope, can't do it, won't work, no spark will result. Spending cash on someone to win them over will only leave you with dust in your wallet and an ungrateful little retch demanding you take them out to dinner. Find someone who's your mental match. Grilled cheese and tomato soup.
cancer
June 22 - July 22
Saturday will be a busy day. Projects will be started others will be completed... and damn doesn't it feel good to get it done? Careful you don't rip a hang nail. Organize your books. You need more nuts in your diet - if you're allergic, substitute sweet potato fries.
leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Don't talk about what you are going to do, just do it. Be a Nike commercial - you know - the really empowering one. Fresh air and walking in October air is just what you need... that and that new CD. Teriyaki salmon, yellow noodles, and a pair of chopsticks.
virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
Your life is looking up. Not so much that you're going to go blind from staring at sun spots, but up non-the-less. Keep the secret a secret - keep it just to yourself. That way you'll have just enough time to spring it without having to worry about that bad bad horrible semi-evil total jerk preempting you... and remember, it used to be much much worse. Twice baked double stuffed potatoes.
libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23
Charity. Be the better person and instead throw your generosity into the face of the person who throws how they just got what you've been wanting for so long into your face. Consider buying a catchers mask with all this face throwing business going on - or at least a Bob Dole mask and a blue jump suit with a large 'V' on the chest. Viagra Man! Oysters.
scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Two words: Yard Sale. Get rid of all of that old junk - you'd be surprised what people will pay good money for. You might even find some long lost treasure. Clean off all of the dust from your vacuum as well. The Swifter is a bit over rated, trust me. Pinch someone you know. Put together a small fruit bowl and eat what doesn't fit.
saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Hey cute, popular and funny person, restring your bow, let your love making arrows fly... don't try to be so entertaining, it flows naturally from you so let it come naturally. Don't become a Slam Poet for the money... that gig will only get you applause and half the cost of a meal. Speaking of meals, try some gowumpki.
capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You are going places and you've waited long enough to make your move. It's time to act. We all know you'll stay focused, but you may need some help with the creative aspects of your goal. Try not to get a yellow card in the process, trick someone else into getting a red. Drink 8 glasses of water in a day. Pee a lot.
aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Watch or re-watch The Water Boy. Use your skills to come up with an original plan to get that boy or girl. Do you need to buy batteries? I'd check. The remote is between the cushions and there's money in an old coat. Eat a gyro or a wrap with tubule and humus.
pisces
Feb 19 - March 20
Who cares about worldly goods, this weekend you want what's important to you and that is good conversation, interesting activities, and people watching. Get a book, a coffee or tea, and pretend to read while you watch folks walk by. If you're with a person, play the 'what are they saying and where are they going game.' Don't worry if you start to giggle in public, people are often way too reserved for their own good. Eat a scone.
