I bought these Listerine Cool Mint Pocket Paks. They're called Oral Care Strips.
Essentially they took a bottle of Mint Listerine, added a ton more chemicals, poured it out over a cookie pan, let it dry into a thin film, and then cut and packaged it into strips that fit snugly into an aqua colored dispenser that probably costs more than the Oral Care Strips it holds.
The directions are to 1) First remove one Oral Care Strip from the convenient carrying case... and 2) Then place the Oral Care Strip on your tongue and let it dissolve. Use one Oral Care Strip as needed.
and then there's the classic foot note of For an added burst of flavor, use a second strip immediately after the first one dissolves.
Needless to say, these things terrified me after I read the package. So of course I had to buy them and then try them.
So I handed the cashier three dollars for 16 strips.
The cashier handed me back these strips wrapped in a plastic container further rapped in a plastic bag... as well as my change.
He winked at me.
I left quickly.
Because friendly cashiers of any sex scare me in this city.
I went home.
I opened the package,
pulled a strip out,
looked at it, noted that it looked like aqua window tinting for a Liberachi Cadillac
smelled it, further noted it smelled inert
put one on my tongue
and this solid plastic strip turned into a few drops of mouthwash... that I couldn't spit out. It instantly just dissolved and wetted my mouth
wetted the back of my throat
and started to burn.
Hot flashes of minty torture started... flashing ...across my face
I tried to swallow, but my throat felt like it was going to close
and my sinuses
my sinuses popped open
I could breath!
I was dying, but I was going to be able to breath while I died... and even with minty breath
I was going to die and an attractive paramedic who moonlighted as a Victoria Secret Lingerie Model would show up to save me
and because my sinuses were still open I would be able to smell her lusty perfume intermingled with the hospital antiseptic detergent of her incredibly blue uniform
she would see I was dying
and give me a tracheotomy
BUT she wouldn't be offended by my bad breath
because I wouldn't have any!
and if I did, it would be very minty.
*AHEM*
Needless to say, I didn't follow the footnote.
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I need to get out more.
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and I really don't have fantasies about Victoria Secret Models.
Anymore.
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Plants
I brought in all of my house plants this weekend.
A giant rubber plant, a few bonsai that don't require wintering, some cacti.
You know those Bonsai that look like the typical bonsai - you've seen them in the Karate Kid movies, except they might have been bought at a mall kiosk, sharp and picky to the touch, smelling like gin minus the alcohol... they're junipers. They're an outdoor plant.
Put them in a cardboard box, cover the pot over with mulch, and leave the top of the box open. Stick them in a partly shady spot outside
all winter.
Make sure they don't dry out.
If you keep them inside all winter they'll die - they'll dry up brittle like a Christmas tree you left in your house until August.
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Just a little unsolicited horticultural advice...
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The poetry slam I run is this Thursday. Tony Brown is the feature. He's a great poet from Worcester Massachusetts and because my jeep needs breaks, has a hole in the exhaust manifold, and needs a new front tire, I haven't been getting up that way to hear him lately.
Jen would let me use her car, but I use it an awful lot as it is.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing him perform.
I also have to whip up some flyers for the second night of the show that's starting in November, so I should get going.
Vroom. <--getting going noise.
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p.s. fiercedancer, I was born in Chatam. 20 miles or so South of London I believe. At age 4 I came to the U.S., so I don't remember much of England besides big black cars, a heavenly white kitchen, and the airport. Search the archives, this story is in there somewhere.
