I walked into work this morning and found out I had to go to a meeting that
lasted from 9am until 3pm - including lunch.
That's why the horoscopes are so late.
Yeah, I was thrilled by it too.
Anyway, every Friday I write The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes, so here you
are.
�
aries
March 21 - April 19
Car horns will be heard in the general vicinity. Walk around the house
hunched over, knees and legs straight, back bent at 90 degrees - head and
neck perpendicular to the floor. When someone asks, tell them you are
practicing to be the worlds worst ninja. Halloween Candy.
taurus
April 20 - May 20
Someone will clap for you. You will not be in hell, you will be in a
meeting that lasts from 9am until 3pm - thus throwing off your entire
schedule. Revolt by taking an extra soda from the food table. Halloween
Candy.
gemini
May 21 - June 21
You shall hear a ding. A recurring dream of yours will come true. Don't
worry, it's the good one. Also, you will find wealth and prosperity before
you as you watch a re-run of Life Styles of the Rich and Famous. Caviar.
cancer
June 22 - July 22
Someone is going to call your name. Later. walk up to someone else you know
and pinch them... hard ...tell them it's because of what they were thinking.
Say, "Oh yes, I know what it was about..." Turn that clock back already.
Why keep doing the math in your head? Halloween Candy.
leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Your refrigerator is going to turn on. Take tickling to the next level -
torture... until you get what you want. When they try to tickle you back,
tell them you're not ticklish and they're just being annoying. Halloween
Candy.
virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
Somewhere someplace in the not too distant future you are going to be
standing on a carpet, and later beneath your feet will be pavement. Change
your passwords. Play blanket monster with your dog or cat, but be sure to
include the blanket. Halloween Candy.
libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23
Gazuntite. Someone will offer you a tissue. Prolonged periods of darkness
can induce depression. Be like an Alaskan and wear a fluorescent light hat
when you go out at night. Halloween Candy.
scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You shall open a door. It WILL close behind you. Buy the new CD. It will
have 2 good songs on it. Pay cash. Check under the bed. Look around a
bit. There it will be. Halloween Candy.
saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Change is in your couch. There is no death there is only eternity and
you'll be riding on the wings of eternity like yah yah yah sha clack
clack... you Saul Williams wanna be. Read some Byron and Maya Angelou.
Halloween Candy.
capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
A zipper will be heard closing. The next time you come out of the bathroom
with water faucet splash stains on your pants, you peers are indeed
wondering and then assuming that you peed yourself. Halloween Candy.
aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Sharpen your pencil. You will dial a number and have it answered by a person
breathing very heavily and hoarsely. You will ask them to stop, but they
won't be able to help themselves. Of course it will be a call you placed to
the health club, so don't panic. Halloween Candy.
pisces
Feb 19 - March 20
A light before you will turn green. Even the flattest rock thrown will not
skip if you miss the lake. Take closer aim at your targets and be sure to
not mistake the hunting arrows for the suction cups. Recess peanut butter
cups.