Every Friday is horoscope day - and today is no exception...
aries
March 21 - April 19
Stay near your home this weekend, try not to eat anything that isn't very fresh. Hang out with that person who makes you laugh. Think about combining all three. A garden salad.
taurus
April 20 - May 20
Go out and buy some cheap funny thing... A funny tie, a silly book, button, calendar, card, coffee mug, Weird Al Yankovitch music, a troll pencil, or sticky notes. Buy two, give one away. String beans.
gemini
May 21 - June 21
Send that friend a humorous note. Do it in a cute way - such as part of a cartoon. Avoid references to flatulence at all costs. Creamy soup.
cancer
June 22 - July 22
Take your closest friend and go to the local pharmacy. Pass right by the prophylactic display and head directly to the card section. Read through all of the silly cards and make fun of them together. Peanuts.
leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Head to a Block Buster movie rental type place. Grab two movies - really strange quirky laugh out loud movies. Invite a few people over, add coffee, juice, soda, or alcohol. First person to shoot things out their nose loses. Licorice.
virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
Catch up with the small kids you know. Children under 5 are reported to laugh out loud about 400 times a day - and you only laugh about 15. Let them teach you a few things. Grilled Cheese.
libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23
Buy your pet a new toy. If you don't own a pet - consider getting yourself one - such as a ostrich. Those America's Funniest Crazy Animals have nothing on your pet - you just have to coax them into it with attention. Cheese.
scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
No matter where you go, there you are. Less is more. It is the sweet simple things of life which are the real ones after all. Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. Maintaining a complicated life is the best way to avoid changing it. The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. Living your life through catch all phrases is not a cure for all your problems. Happy Birthday. Cake.
saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
The USDA hotline for meat and poultry is 1-800-535-4555. Perdue Farms is 1-800-473-7383. Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is 1-800-323-4848 where a real person will talk to you. Put down the stuffing, relax. Thanksgiving is still plenty of time away. Call and the bird will not be dry! Ham Sandwich.
capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Worrying makes you feel like you're accomplishing something when you're actually not. Stop that. If you believe in God, turn all of your problems over to him before you go to bed. If you don't believe in God, ask yourself what's the worst thing that could happen, and what you would do if this terrible thing happened. See you'll survive. Sugar Wafers.
aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Stay off busy streets after dark. Walk or run against traffic. Wear bright clothing. Stick a battery powered light on your head. Try and figure out what that moron behind the wheel is going to be doing before he does it. The last thing you need right now is to get hit by a car. Milk Shake.
pisces
Feb 19 - March 20
Be Zen. While walking examine the walking - while sitting, the sitting. Let yourself become hungry without looking at your watch. Find yourself there without even trying. Miso Soup.
