�� new old this that ��

11.16.01.5:19 pm

� The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes �

So last night Gary and Melissa came over for a visit.

After a while Jen and I went outside to smoke and they came with us to be exposed to second hand carcinogens and as we walked up to out porch chairs we saw that someone had thrown two sticks onto the porch and knocked our ash tray that should have been emptied two weeks ago

all over the floor.

I really hope the chair throwing in the river motha f(shut your mouth!) kids didn't find out where I live.

Because I'll be pissed!

I won't do anything besides putting up a nasty note on my porch where they probably won't see it, but I'll be pissed god damnit.



I have a feeling someone just was walking by and tossed them onto the porch from the sidewalk and happened to - luckily for them unluckily for me - hit the ash tray.

One can hope. Between the Trash Nazi's and the mental scars of the patio chair throwers, I'm really not looking forward to finding out.



Anyway, I've been writing these here horoscopes for a while now. Today's are inspired by my current attention span.

The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes



aries
March 21 - April 19

A big burley man named Earl with strange things in his pocket will walk by you while you are on the street. Spike's hot dog.

taurus
April 20 - May 20

The microwave will run for two minutes and again you will let it complete it's cycle. You will hear a ding. Popcorn.

gemini
May 21 - June 21

While going with the flow you will be talking about your feelings on the subject. Try not to pull any muscles. Strawberry jelly.

cancer
June 22 - July 22

While entertaining new possibilities, you will grow tired of the process and settle for the same old. Same old is good, bring a towel. French Toast.

leo
July 23 - Aug 22

Take advantage of the possibilities. A couch, a TV, a remote, and warmth involving company contains possibilities that are endless. Sushi.

virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22

You will find things - such as more sticks in strange places. Do not question how they got there other than gravity. Chocolates.

libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23

If you are finding yourself being the person walking behind the elephant with a shovel and a bag all the time, it may be time to crack some heads. Peanut butter.

scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21

You may be a midget clown riding on the back of the bus with a trick knee and a doughnut to sit on, but it's good that you're not complaining. Beef stew.

saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21

You ARE the Archer... shoot someone with a flaming arrow already. Don't fall for that those who can... do, those who can't... teach - bullshit. Eggs.

capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19

Capricorn has no horoscope today. Consider yourself free from the metaphysical bonds of nature. Order the fish.

aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18

You keep hitting delete and you don't ever respond but the emails keep coming. Tell your email to take a cold shower. A thin exotic soup.

pisces
Feb 19 - March 20

You are the fish, be this fish. Be the fish in the water that knows that it's wet. Remember the plastic castle. Finish the Halloween candy.



�� new old this that ��
            














Since Feb 2001





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