Every Friday is horoscope day - and today is Friday, so...
aries
March 21 - April 19
Look at the possibilities? Want to work somewhere else - even in a different
country? How about a semester of school abroad? It doesn't matter how old
you are. You can do it if you want to, and no you don't have to join the
army. Bacon.
taurus
April 20 - May 20
Clean out your mouse ball. Your mouse's ball is dirty. Twist it's ball
holder. Remove the ball holder. Pull out the mouses ball. Let the mouses
ball roll around on your desk. Dig around in the mouse's ball socket.
Remove all of the foreign matter. Put the mouse's ball back. Twist the
ball holder back in place. See! Much better. Macaroni and Cheese.
gemini
May 21 - June 21
Currently there are two men outside my window standing on this platform
thing suspended from the roof by rope. They are holding power tools in
thier hands that make this really horrific grinding noise when they press
them up against the window. They keep pressing these tools against the
window. They have been doing this for an hour. They are looking at me. No
one is looking at you, relax. They are looking at me. Miso Soup.
cancer
June 22 - July 22
There's plenty of crap to keep you busy. You'd better pack a lunch. The
person who's barking orders at you appreciates your thoughtful compliance.
Screw them. You're good at that, but why do it? Why put up witht the BS?
Because you're paycheck lets you play later instead of work forever and play
never. Whatever. Pumpkin Pie.
leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Right now someplace somewhere on earth it is hot out. It is so hot that
it's muggy. It is so hot and muggy that body parts are sticking to clothes.
Sweat is dripping into someone's socks. It is that hot. Now go drink some hot cocoa.
virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
Some secrets are good - such as keeping your after work life a secret from
your boss and co-workers when that after work life deals with performance
art involving random naked men on stage, bright lights, and a sound track... or something similar. Turkey on Rye.
libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23
If everyone who buys a car in the next year bought the most fuel-efficient
model in a given class (compacts, sedans, SUVs), the country would save 31
million barrels of gasoline a year. Not ready to buy? Keeping every car
tuned and its tires properly inflated would save 365 million barrels of oil
a year - almost half our Saudi imports. Use this logic in an argument with that person who keeps spouting off about the war things he thinks he knows
about. Peanut Butter and Jelly.
scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Throw out that tea bag - you're going to be awake for hours then you'll be
drowsy driving and then you'll get pulled over for some stupid reason such
as driving 20 miles an hour over the speed limit and your excuse of I was
tires won't cut it with the officer with a nice ass and you won't be able
comment on the nice ass because the office will think it's a bribe or a
solicitation and then where will you be? Huh? Huh? Where will you be?
Tired and frustrated - that's where. Milk shake.
saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
They say curiosity killed the cat. WHAT CAT? Where did this cat come from
and how did it actually die?!? Screw it, you're not a cat. Look into the
issue and find out for yourself once and for all what the heck is going on.
You deserve answers. Fish and Chips.
capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
An anniversay is comming up. Don't forget. Use it as an excuse to pose a
nice suprise. Include funny hats. Funny hats are a great addition to any
suprise - funny igloos are another matter. Blue Ice Pops.
aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
People are saying 6 cell human embryos are people too. You too are tired of
hearing from 'people'. Who are these people? Why do they get to decide.
Make up your own mind on the next three issues that come before you. Falaffel.
pisces
Feb 19 - March 20
Take a look at what went right, take a look at what you need to change, take
a look at your shoes. Buy new shoes. You need more shoes. Bleach your
socks. Blue Cheese.
