�� new old this that ��

12.28.01.4:27 pm

� The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes �

I write these horoscopes every Friday. Last night I drank too much red wine - and since that wine came in a box, I feel quite icky right now.

I'll get over it.

This New Year's I have to run a slam for First Night Providence. It's on 75 North Main Street - Providence (corner of N Main street and Steeple street) if you're interested.

Afterwards the party will be at my house.



aries
March 21 - April 19

A proverb is a statement that may contain advice, a warning, a prediction or simply an observation. The next time you are around that person bragging about their SUV, respond by saying, "Just look at my SUV - it's 30 feet long, 20 feet high, has leather interior CB CD DVD a refrigerator Jacuzzi gets 3 miles a gallon, and if you push a button, it blows me." Then whip out of your wallet a picture of the Scooby Doo mobile. Beer.

taurus
April 20 - May 20

Jimmy Hendrix once said: When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. Put down the tie-die. I'm sure the dinner sounded like a good idea, but try cooking the pasta next time. Red Wine.

gemini
May 21 - June 21

The only disability in life is a bad attitude. If you're not careful, you will wake up beneath the car, naked, with your keys stuck up your butt... but don't let that truth ruin your New Year's indulgences. White Wine.

cancer
June 22 - July 22

When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. If that hole starts to fill up with water, you've wound up at the beach again and are having another 'episode' Drop that bad habit you picked up after you crawl out. Champaigne.

leo
July 23 - Aug 22

Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the box. The queen stays out though. Let your inner queen shine. Hit the town, stay out late, get drunk and piss in an alley - you know you want to. The Champaign of Beers (look it up)

virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22

Every season brings it's own joy. New Year's eve's joy brings New Year's day's joy at the realization that you lived through another one. Another what? Another year? Another party the night before? What's the difference? Beer.

libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23

Advice is least heeded when most needed. Fat guys are easily found after they've been stampeded. Perhaps crowded areas full of throngs of the inebriated are not the place for you this weekend. Not that I'm calling you fat. Chances are I don't even know what you look like. Red Wine.

scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21

Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead. Gothie. Wear something reflective because cars cannot see you walking at night. Watch where you step while making your way to the get together. There's no worse introduction than "what kind of stain is that?" White Wine.

saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21

Learning is a treasure that will follow it's owner everywhere. A pet dog is a treasure that will follow it's owner everywhere and pee on the carpet of the person it's owner is visiting - if you train it right. Be like Bob Barker and remind someone to spay or neuter their pets. Champaigne.

capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19

Never squat with your spurs on. Never shit with your pants on. Never bend a hard on. Three truisms that will get your through the next 12 months, and remember, the appropriate answer is ALWYAS: "What smell?" Coffee. Oh, Happy Birthday.

aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18

Leisure does body and soul good. Leisure suits are another matter. As is the leisure activity of dryer lint art. You have better things to wear and make - try collecting all that lint, mix it with all the cat hair and try creating a new pet. Beer.

pisces
Feb 19 - March 20

Silence is true wisdom's best reply. The next time you find yourself in a quiet place, yell at the top of your lungs "I AM NAKED BENEATH MY CLOTHING" and then leave THEM in silence. Ice Water.



�� new old this that ��
            














Since Feb 2001





Long time no update. - 12.19.09

Clinton or Obama? - 2007-10-04

Two workshop Providence paid gig - looking for instructor - 2007-10-03

Big brother - 2007-09-26

Favorites - 2007-08-30