� The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes �
What a show last night. There had to be 130 people in AS220 - our little poetry club. Alixa did a great job featuring, the slam was rocking as usual, and I am dead dog tired.
I was so tired this morning, I slept in and hitched a ride in to work with my girlfriend. While we were in the car I mentioned that my forehead felt effervescent.
Jen: "Effervescent?"
Me: "Yeah, it feels like I rubbed Vic's Vapo-Rub all over my face."
Jen: "The vents are on..."
I was so tired I confused the cold air coming out of the dashboard vents with my having some weird body experience
like a stroke
but no, it was just me in my post poetry slam stupor.
�
Anyway, it is Friday and that means it is time for Horoscopes.
capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Tell them what you want. You need to express your desires in order to have them fulfilled. Keeping all this stuff bottled up will only get you a sore tooshie when you finally freak out walking all alone and you start to flail your arms around madly pumping your fists into the air and suddenly you are lying on the ground with an egg on your head.
aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Perhaps what you're taking isn't strong enough - isn't powerful enough. Now ask yourself is it a tolerance or have you been eating too much that is brown? Stay away from the Dinty Moore Beef Stew and you will not need to search out that extra strength BeanO. Turkey on Rye with Dijonaise.
pisces
Feb 19 - March 20
Value loyalty. Who cares what everyone else is doing, is watching, is reading? If you like it, stick with it. Buy more condiments. Your condiments are running low. Somewhere someone or something special is waiting for you. Is it ketchup or true love? Go find out. Caesar Chef Salad.
aries
March 21 - April 19
Love Shack, Baby Love Shack... The Love Shack is a little old place where you can - get some action. Of course. Its time to get down and get busy with the affection - even if its rubbing up against your Brittany Cheryl Tigue Spear Mario Van Banderas Cruze Berry poster thats been hanging on your wall anywhere between 1971 and today. Fried Chicken.
taurus
April 20 - May 20
Stop giving your friends cigarettes and things. If they're trying to quit - help them along by being stingy. Go outside. Find a rock. Pick it up. Put it in your pocket. Walk up to someone you want to get to know and hand them the rock. Say, "This is my rock, hold it for me. I'll see you next week." If in a week the rock is gone forever - pick a new one. Eat 1/2 of a cantaloupe.
gemini
May 21 - June 21
Distracted? Feeling as if you're being pulled in many different directions? Too much to do - too little time? Don't bother buying the clapper. You will not save any time and your hands will just hurt. Prioritize, self actualize, gaze into the mirror stare at your eyes - ask what is really important. Vegetable Chicken Soup.
cancer
June 22 - July 22
You're not sick, those bumps all over your skin are not small pox. That shaking racking your body is not some sort of epileptic fit. You're just standing at the beach in your swim suit in 32 degree weather. Pack up the umbrella and your cooler. Forget those little drink umbrellas that blew away 20 minutes ago. Get a sprits. Apple Cobbler and Meatloaf.
leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Your fish has died and its tank mates have eaten off the entire tail, head, and fins - leaving a floating fish carcass that looked like a miniature double halibut filet floating at the surface. This is either a metaphor for letting your guard down or a gross tale to tell. Hamburger with lots of lettuce and tomatoes and such.
virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
Tension and crabbiness abounds around you and through you. You may not admit it, but you are almost as crabby as that other person, you just have better control. Don't worry about the short term, even this will pass - it may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass. Vegetable Tempura.
libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23
As football season draws towards its inevitable end, you are either going to finally be able to sit down or you will have to get up. Are you feeling widowed? Have you widowed someone? Make amends by making dinner or making off with the remote. Mmmmmmmmm doughnuts.
scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
The elevator is stopping at many floors but no one is getting on. It is time to take the stairs or change buildings. Get that new CD and mail all of that annoying plastic and tape back to the record company. Enclose a note saying, I have enough baggage - here is a little frustration for you. Alaskan Crab Legs.
saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Take your mind off of things by inflicting mental torment on people. Find someone's pens in their pen jar and arrange them all pointy side up. Do this for days. If you are trying to drop some bad for you or annoying habit, remember it takes 19 days to pick up a new habit, so uncommon sense would say that it takes three times as long to drop an old. It is all about distraction. Sushi.
