Every Friday = Horoscope day.
My cable modem provider isn't providing shit lately. I haven't been able to post these until now. Ugh.
Cox Cable can suck my
nevermind.
Tonight I plan on doing nothing until someone calls me - which means that since I am rarely available on Friday nights, no one will call and I'll end up watching bad movies on Skinemax or Home Body Odor.
Ah well, enjoy the Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes.
capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
As you walk over and then stop your walking, as you peer and then peer down into the glass bowl - remember do not ever under any circumstances take the last mint. Stew made with dark beer and lots of other bad stuff.
aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
If you're going to go walking in the dark dressed like a dead person, at least remember to strap a reflective strip to your head - that way when you die, they'll be able to find your body with a flash light - mother said. Caramel Delites Girl Scout cookies.
pisces
Feb 19 - March 20
Many people have Monday off. If you are not one of those people, call many of the ones you know who do and pretend to be someone important from where they work. "Hi, this is Stevepaullynn from work, we have a huge problem, you have to come in right now, I won't be at my desk so don't call, just come!!!" and then hand up. Chicken and mushrooms with teriyaki sauce.
aries
March 21 - April 19
Somewhere along a lonesome highway there is a lonesome man walking a lonesome walk looking for lonesome dead squirrels for his stew. Stay the hell away from that guy! While you're at that, consider the other people it would just be better to avoid. Have a nice weekend by avoiding them. Lemon Pesto and some white meat.
taurus
April 20 - May 20
Never calling, never writing, never visiting the people you used to spend most of your time with will severely hamper your ability to successfully extract money from them in the guise of a loan. SOMEONE WANTS THIER 80 DOLLARS. Somewhere. Pizza by the slice.
gemini
May 21 - June 21
When crossing a one way street look both ways because once in a while a moron driver who is illiterate might be coming, but more likely a bicyclist will be about to run you down. Because bicyclists like to do that sort of thing. Scone.
cancer
June 22 - July 22
If you're walking through a business section of where you live and you happen to see Hali Berry or however you spell her name waiting on customers in a beauty salon, chances are it's not her. Apply this to the less famous people you know and thought you saw. Tofurkey. Yes, tofu turkey.
leo
July 23 - Aug 22
The darker it is outside the more the inside of windows reflect like mirrors. This is the same as your eyes if your inner being is blackening... so umm... be careful who stares at you when you're in a bad mood. Falafel.
virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
Sucky jobs build character. Just keep repeating that. When the next person asks you what is wrong, tell them "My character is HUGE and my wallet is thin. That's what." This will also work well for when you will want that person to leave you alone. Onion rings.
libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23
Find your cat and take off it's collar. Let it lounge collarless for a while. This is an often un thought of tactic. IF you do not have a cat, get one, it is time. Unless you are allergic that is. If you are allergic to cats, consider purchasing the Cats sound track, because really... very little is better than cats! Hot dogs.
scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
It may be time to get rid of that calendar. Consider calling that Virgo whose heart you broke. That nice worrisome neurotic meticulous person who who's sworn to never date a scorpio again. Yeah, that one or someone with some other sign. Pea pods, mushrooms and shrimp.
saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Anti jaywalking law dictates you travel like a rook in chess - you can only go to the corner and go strait or left or right or back... Screw that, you need to make the world your chess board! BE the QUEEN! Go in any direction you want! Be the Queen that you know you want to be! Beef Jerky or something less gross - like beer or Egg Salad.
ps. Here is a cool account of the slam I run twice monthly... & why does my cat's breath smell so bad?
