�� new old this that ��

01.25.02.5:12 pm

� The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes �

Every Friday is Horoscope day and in honor of today being suits on ice day at work, all of the horrorscope food suggestions are ice cream.

We had an ice skating party for my department of about 100 people at the local outdoor skating rink. Only 60 of us went... 60 computer programmers in various degrees of unsteadiness trying not to fall, break our fingers, and render ourselves unable to work.

I suppose this would be why we've never had a volleyball party. It's all about the fingers.

Anyway, I'll tell you more about it tomorrow.



aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18

The Sun is in Aquarius and the Moon is in Gemini. Unfortunately you are dating Gemini, the moon is your best friend, the Sun slipped some veterinary horse tranquilizer in your drink while you were at the bar, and even though you found the Sun very cute, you're still going to have to press charges. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

pisces
Feb 19 - March 20

While in a pubic restroom stall, you will become embroiled in a bitter custody battle with the toilet paper dispenser for it's small square perforated sheets. Eventually you will win because you have greater intestinal fortitude than the dispenser and neither of you are a tree. Coffee, Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz.

aries
March 21 - April 19

The stars see great things in your future, but only if you quit teasing them about how they failed to help the accountants at Enron. Cool Britannia.

taurus
April 20 - May 20

Listen, no one has cursed you. No one is causing you to bleed every month. It's just your period and you've been reading too much Harry Potter. Attacked by He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named? Please. Chubby Hubby.

gemini
May 21 - June 21

Caution: A single drop of water can tear asunder the face of a mountain - once it freezes. I suggest only showering in the summer. Wavy Gravy.

cancer
June 22 - July 22

The Sun is in Aquarius and the Moon is in Gemini, but you won't be _in_ anytime soon because you will develop an extreme fear of doorways and window panes - unless you tell at least ten people to come to this site and read their horoscopes. Chunky Monkey.

leo
July 23 - Aug 22

Seek out someone who is on your wavelength to help you with things. If that fails, try CB channel 21 and request a flat bed. French Vanilla.

virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22

As a Virgo, water rules your destiny. Still... while studies say drinking at least 10 cups of black or green tea a day will significantly increase your life span, it will not be a worthwhile life as all your extra years will be spent in the bathroom. Cookies and Cream.

libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23

Don't be afraid to rise to the next level in order to secure that better position. However, if that fails feel free to sink lower than before and start some serious ass kissing. Vanilla Fudge Ripple.

scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21

When your company decides to switch to Fed-Ex from some other carrier who had much cuter delivery people, start a protest. Say, "I've seen the movie castaway, and this will lead to nothing but long hair and mute volleyballs." Cherry.

saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21

You will find your ass hurting, going in circles, upon a much cooler and far whiter surface than normal. You are either ice skating with my co-workers and me or you've been stuck in a roundabout in a snow storm for hours. Chocolate almond.

capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19

Your sentence will be commuted and you will be once again set free upon society. Be sure to either thank the governor for his timely phone call or hide the receipt for your mother's gift that proves you went to the mall again without her permission. Coffee.



�� new old this that ��
            














Since Feb 2001





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