If you're sick of hearing about ice dancing, figure skating and or any other type or ice competition where you have blades on your feet, I'd like to make 10 suggestions to improve the subjective...ness of judging ice dance...ing types of competitions.
1) Any representation of a wild animal that has been caricatured, made soft, fluffy and cute that is seen in, near, or next to the kiss and cry area while the skaters wait for their scores will automatically result in two-tenths of a point deducted from the total score.
2) Any kissing in the kiss and cry area will automatically result in a reduction of 1 tenth of a point of the total score unless the kissing progresses on camera to oral anal or vaginal sex. In the case of figure skating oral anal or vaginal sex, an automatic addition of 1 tenth of a point will be incurred IF and I MEAN IF the man is wearing less makeup than the woman.
3) Any Fabio, Milli, Vanilli, or Back Street Boyz look-a-likes will automatically be penalized three-tenths of a point.
4) Any person dressing in a costume will lose two-tenths of a point if their costume does not correctly depict their home country. No Americans in leiderhosen and if you're dressed like a pirate you better either be from the Barbary Coast or have a hook for a hand.
6) If the woman hoists the man, add two-tenths of a point.
7) If the woman hoists the man add drops him on his head screaming you cheated on me with the French Judge you bastard, three-tenths of a point will be added.
8) If you skate to any music besides classical you will receive a two-tenths point deduction unless you manage to get the entire arena on their feet and dancing in the aisles. In that case, add 1 point.
9) If you use a country's tragedy and heroes to further your Olympic chances and are NOT from that country, you should be pushed off the ice immediately by a Zamboni. No skating with the voice of Dr. Martin Luther King behind you, no dedicating your routine to fallen fire fighters, no orange hair that suggests flames with dancing suits emblazoned with crumbling world trade center graphics.
10) Anyone caught screwing with who wins or loses should be publicly humiliated by being dragged across the ice naked behind a zamboni driven by ice skaters from Canada.
Simple changes to make the so called sports a little more palatable... to me.
Right now, I feel like a brewery. Well not a whole brewery, just it's dirty floor.
I went to a hip hop show last night at The Call - a local club. CR Avery was performing , Shane Koyczan was there (He's this Wednesday's feature at AS220 by the way), Jared, Mike, David the Grasshopper, Sage Francis, Jesse, and a whole bunch of people I only see at the Slam.
Sage was wearing these crazy 1950's horned rimmed glasses, a bowler hat, a corduroy jacket and was walking around with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. He looked just like the Detective Simone's tenant from NYPD blue. Crazy.
I drank no more than 5 but probably 4 beers and when I woke up this morning all I could smell was Bass. Not the fish, the beer. Bass beer. I can still faintly smell it. It's as if beer is oozing out of my pours.
It's quite nasty.