new old this that

02.22.02.12:53 pm

The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes

Friday is Horoscope day, today if Friday. Fear my powers of observation!

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The Horrorscopes



pisces
Feb 19 - March 20

You will narrowly avoid death when you bend down to scoop up poop from the curb as you are walked by a 50 pound mammal, however only your dog will have noticed the car. Lemon Pepper Chicken Pizza Clix!

aries
March 21 - April 19

Apolo Ono will appear to you in your dreams and confess that he grew his peace patch only to gain Gillette endorsements when goatee wearers are forced by fashion to trim. California Veggie Pizza Clix!

taurus
April 20 - May 20

It's not true that all the good stage names are taken. But if believing that keeps you from assuming a pseudonym in the slam, then go with it. All Meat Pizza. No dough, just meat. Vegetarian Delight Clix!

gemini
May 21 - June 21

You may find yourself in captivity and forced to negotiate your way to freedom communicating with a tribe that speak solely through tambourines. Pizza with Canadian bacon and pineapple (or ham and pinapple). Clix!

cancer
June 22 - July 22

Contrary to your doctors opinion, your sleep apnea is not caused by an esophageal blockage but your cat sleeping on your face each night. Stuffed Deep Dish Chicago-Style Pizza Clix!

leo
July 23 - Aug 22

You will be forced to roll a large rock up a mountain only to see it roll back down again when you are caught stealing the great bowling ball of Zeus. Thin Crust Chicago Style pizza Clix!

virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22

Coincidence will bring you and your sole mate together after separately you both visit the working museum of magnetism and your tongue rings get stuck together. Pizza topped with spinach, feta, and onion. Clix!

libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23

Exhibitionism is fine, but you may be taking things too far since buying that cell phone modem, wireless camera and the newest jock strap attachment. Pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms, and extra cheese. Clix!

scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21

You will be overcome by the urge to visit a furniture store after watching their latest parody commercial just so you threaten the life of the store owners. A Round Pizza Clix!

saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21

Popular to contrary belief you cannot undelete your files by cutting off the grounding plug of your power cord and plugging it in backwards. You have to reboot standing on your head. Pizza with Three-cheeses, tomatoes, red peppers, green peppers, scallion greens, mushrooms, asparagus, parmesan. Clix!

capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19

A love struck person will serenade you from outside your office window. Unfortunately it is a bronze medalist from Belarus singing their national anthem that mentions a lot of cows, and you work on the 15th floor. Cheese, garlic, tomatoes, red peppers, onions, egg plant, artichoke. Clix!

aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18

You will find yourself cheering for activities classified as sports that involve positions and movements no one in their right mind could ever dream up. Order anything abouve number 5 on the menu. Clix!


Ps. I am eating pizza for lunch.



new old this that
            














Since Feb 2001





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