new old this that pm

The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes

Every Friday is horoscope day. Yesterday I took two naps. A quick one at lunch time and I managed to sleep for over an hour after work before I had to go to the slam.

This is why I rarely go to poetry readings besides my own. I just get too tired after being wired after a show and I find myself up until 3 AM. Just like Wednesday night after I went to the Cantab in Boston.

Today I won't be napping, but as is usual for me lately, I'm going to be too tired to do much on a Friday night because I've exhausted myself all week.

Sometimes I think I'm just too cool to be allowed to live.

The Horrorscopes

Jan 20 - Feb 18

You are being watched. Every day and almost every where. Personally I would take it as a compliment and put on a show. Perhaps organize a mock corporate take-over of your bathroom. Guard the roll. Guard the roll! Any type of breakfast food eaten at a time other than breakfast. Clix!

Feb 19 - March 20

The Sun is in Pisces and the Moon is in Capricorn, so I would consider buying a new pair of sun glasses. Your problem seems to be almost over, so celebrate with some extra UV protection. Order number 7 on the menu. Clix!

March 21 - April 19

You will find the inner poet inside your being and then hide it again because it wants to take a month to write the requisite 'I wanna get laid' poem in iambic pentameter. Designer pizza. Clix!

April 20 - May 20

You've done some good work at the last minute with little notice. Now convert that effort into cold hard numbers and ride your good fortune like a bull laden with Quaaludes. Chips and salsa. Clix!

May 21 - June 21

You will discover that life is about the possibility of it all. The what ifs the what could happens the proverbial grabbing of the shiny ring and subsequent pulling of your lover closer to you by the nipple piercing. Whipped cream. Clix!

June 22 - July 22

You will consider suing Congress for stealing your shadow government plant. You liked that plant and are sad to see it gone. Go to the florist and buy a cactus or two. A Cacti is your spirit animal, even though its in a different Kingdom. Toasted turkey on rye with lettuce tomato mayo and cheese. Clix!

July 23 - Aug 22

Direction and purpose may be lacking. Come up with a plan and recruit others in your plot to increase your life enjoyment. There is no such thing as a free turn table, but you can always steal your friend's vinyl. Pad Tai. Clix!

Aug 23 - Sept 22

Undertake a project that involves voice and music. Use your own as well as a friend who is equally bored. Find the vacuum and make someone use it. Tighten the reins and force order around you. Grilled chicken wrap. Clix!

Sept 23 - Oct 23

While watching the movie 'Warlock' in a nasty theatre that shows old movies, you will get to the part where they have to say god's name backwards to make the world un-create. You will yell out, "God spelled backwards is DOG you idiots!" and get kicked out of the theatre. Popcorn. Clix!

Oct 24 - Nov 21

Your overly affectionate nature - while appreciated by some - is driving others towards absolute infatuation. This is not a suggestion to stop, but the stars suggest you use your attributes to your greatest advantage and start charging money for back rubs. Some type of leftover thanksgiving food sandwich. Clix!

Nov 22 - Dec 21

Stay on your toes and be alert. If you can crank out a few hours of attention you will be in a better position to enjoy future days. Resist the urge to sleep in your cube! A big hunking salad. Clix!

Dec 22 - Jan 19

The Sun is in Pisces and the Moon is in Capricorn. The question is however, what is the moon actually inside of that belongs to you? If you have the moon in your pocket, stick it on vibrate and wait for the tide to rise. Shellfish. Clix!

new old this that

Since Feb 2001

Long time no update. - 12.19.09

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