Ahh, beautiful day. I have today off for Good Friday. For a country with a seperation of Church and State, we certainly have a lot of Christian holidays.
Anyway, I write these horrorscopes every Friday. These were created while I was sitting outside in the sun.
March 21 - April 19
One soon beautiful day you will find yourself outside and the world will appear very clean, unfortunately this is because you are looking up at the sky and not noticing the dog shit on the curb beneath your foot.
April 20 - May 20
“You’re so vain. How did you think we’d get by without you? You’re so vain. I bet you thought this horoscope was about you.” Not everything is really directed at you. If you had long dreads, perhaps, but you don’t. Dreads would make the difference. Clix!
May 21 - June 21
No that annoying noise isn’t an alien invasion. It isn’t the apocalypse or anything that lucky; there are two gold chained muscular tattooed guys in wife beater t-shirts throwing an annoying Nerf football in the street watching it bounce off of cars outside your front window.
June 22 - July 22
When you almost get hit by an errant Nerf football, and you’re a hippy LL. Bean wearing traveler with a ton of bags, just toss the ball back to the nearest Neanderthal. Taking all of your bags off, putting down your rolled up rug, and preparing to toss the ball to the far guy is an exercise in pointlessness. Know your limits. Your arm isn’t that strong. Clix!
July 23 - Aug 22
Christ, put on a jacket. It is still March. If it were this temperature in August you’d be in a parka. Clix!
Aug 23 - Sept 22
There is a difference between sitting on your porch blasting music out of your laptop for everyone to hear and driving around the local busy shop street booming base out of the woofers in your back seat. If people like your music, they can stop, stay and listen. In your car people get tired running after you. Clix!
Sept 23 - Oct 23
To drive off... to defeat your enemies you must know them as if they were yourself? What music do they hate? What do they blast in THEIR cars? What will drive them away if you blast it long enough from crappy speakers on your front porch? Chances are it’s the sound track from the “Thomas Crown Affair”. Clix!
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be stricken deaf and mostly mute and only be able to communicate by screaming in an obnoxious baritone after you accidentally knock over the Harley Davidson of Apollo. Clix!
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Learn your spirit ancestor’s names. Robeson, Godson, Herston Aganaton, Black foot, Hellen, Tara, Lillith, Whitman, Baldwin, Ginsberg, Mumia, Holliday, Coltrane, Bednarz, Smith… you get the idea. Reclaiming the present through the past will show you your heart is a philosopher’s stone and impress Saul Williams. Clix!
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Capricorn will soon be proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
Jan 20 - Feb 18
While driving in the giant mini-van of life you will quickly stop at a stop sign instead of rolling through (as is the custom of most) when you let a pedestrian walking through life - pass. Unfortunately your tires will squeal, the pedestrian will be startled and drop their pizza and you will feel silly. Clix!
Feb 19 - March 20
Coltrane, Miles Davis, Ella… what do they have on Charley Mingus? Nothing I tell you. They may all be dead but how many can be mixed with Nine Inch Nails MP3’s by geeky dorks typing their front porch? Only one. Just one. Charles Mingus – is the only one. If you don’t count Nina Simone.