new old this that

04.12.02.12:23 pm

The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes

Last night I went to bed about 9:30 PM. I'm telling you, this daylight savings time is kicking my tail. Tonight Bernard and I are going to see HipHop220 at club AS220. It's a youth group of training school students who do art and music instead of traditional school. They're quite good and great kids.

I write these horoscopes every Friday as everyone but first time readers knows, so enjoy.

The Horrorscopes



aries
March 21 - April 19

The Sun is in Aries and the Moon is in Aries you over achiever. Hey, whatever works, swing both ways, get it on in the evening, do it during the day, just remember to wear protection. Especially goggles. Racquetball can be a dangerous sport. Third down from the top on the menu board. Order that.
Clix!

taurus
April 20 - May 20

The only reason he is riding it is because people can't help but to turn their heads and look at what is making all of that racket. Tell him to forget it, the young girls are not going to date him, even if he is riding a 40,000 dollar Harley. Order a wrap with chicken.
Clix!

gemini
May 21 - June 21

The Big Game prize will be 222 million, the drawing is tonight, the jackpot's already at 200 million mark after 17 straight drawings in which no one hit the jackpot, and still you're not going to win. Sorry. Make it a CHEESE burger.
Clix!

cancer
June 22 - July 22

Pick five different numbers from one to 50 and one more number from one to 36. The odds of guessing my numbers are 1-in-76 million. What are you're numbers? Now say them out loud. Hey, you guessed right! Good thing you're not a gemini. A very expensive steak.
Clix!

leo
July 23 - Aug 22

Against the obvious there is no armor like a dumb ass. So stop trying to set that particular person straight. You can't win, and even if it looks as if you are, chances are they're just agreeing to shut you up. Move on. Chicken pot pie.
Clix!

virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22

Your lack of sleep is causing a bigger stir than a Jennifer Lopez dress. Take a nap. Even out your chemistry. Truth rings eternal and ring around the rosy is a song about the plague. Falafel.
Clix!

libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23

There have been quotes and sound bites galore, graphics and pictures, history and hype. Everyone has offered an opinion and generally come to the same conclusion: You're a bitch. Screw 'em. Would they say that if you were a man? Nope. Stick to your guns and stick it to 'em even more. Bacon and eggs.
Clix!

scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21

One time not to drink is when you wish to know when you're having a good time. Consider this, this weekend, unless you are concerned you will see the majority of the people around you for what they truly are - boring sober people. Turn to page three of the menu, go to the bottom right, go two up. Order that.
Clix!

saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21

Start an accounting crackdown of your own and have it focus on your change jar. Someone is raiding your piggy bank of quarters but leaving the nickels dimes and pennies alone because everyone knows they're worthless. What are quarters good for? Two words: Magic. Fingers. Corned beef and cabbage.
Clix!

capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19

The Afghan unrest is threatening your recovery. That's because there's a cat stuck under your Afghan comforter and it really would like to get out. Lock the door, close the blinds, draw the shades, forget any thoughts of bling bling. You need that 18 hour nap. New York System hot wieners (just two).
Clix!

aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18

Quietly slip into a den of peripheral preoccupation. Yes, it is time to go to Circuit City and pick up that gadget you've been waiting for. So what if you have to deal with your taxes? If you itemized this wouldn't be a problem. Oysters Rockefeller.
Clix!

pisces
Feb 19 - March 20

Reality is nothing more than a collective hunch and still there is no such thing as a free Llama. At some point in any college student's life they will either have a print of a Dali or a Monet on their wall. Break the cycle, staple a mammal to your plaster board. Number 7 on the menu board.
Clix!



new old this that
            














Since Feb 2001





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