new old this that

04.19.02.4:25 pm

The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes

I realized I forgot to mention my Slam yesterday... The youth slam was great. There were a lot of new kids there - and some great poets read from Cranston West HS. It's so good to see new faces every month.

The feature missed his bus from NYC and couldn't make it to Rhode Island until 10:30 at night, so I told him we'd get him up here next year. It was hot. Very hot outside and AS220 doesn't have air conditioning, so I figured people wouldn't mind if we finished early. So there was no feature and we just ran the open slam right after the youth event. The open slam was full and a few people didn't get to mount the stage, and that's good because I have to stand there afterwards.

Bernard won by not going over time at all. Not once. No time penalties for the first time ever for him - and he's been slamming all year. All around it was another fun night.



I write these horoscopes every Friday as everyone but first time readers knows, so enjoy.

The Horrorscopes



aries
March 21 - April 19

The Moon is in Cancer and the Sun is in Aries, so drink some Tropicana. No, not sun block, orange juice. Get some C to go with that D and swear off O.P.P. for a while. BAKED HAM WITH MUSTARD BAKED HAM.

taurus
April 20 - May 20

Feeling as if there's nothing to do any more? It's not because there isn't, it's because you're bored. All the old exciting stuff is an older hat and now what are you going to do? Complain. That's what. GINGERED MEN.

gemini
May 21 - June 21

The best test of a smart person is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. The situation is not cut and dry and if you step back far enough everything is either gray or blue. BUTTERMILK BISCUITS.

cancer
June 22 - July 22

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. You could have friend in Iowa that you can only drive to visit. "Wheat. Wheat. Wheat. Wheat. Wheat. Wheat. Wheat. Wheat. Wheat. CORN! CORN!!!! Oh... wheat. Wheat. Goodbye corn!" SMOKED TROUT.

leo
July 23 - Aug 22

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. Yet still ethnic divides and religious fanaticism kill the most amount of people in un-natural fashions. You don't need a copy of Vogue to know you should just make up with them both. CUCUMBERS LETTUCE BACON TOMATOE ON PUMPERNICKLE.

virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22

Life is an unbroken succession of misread situations. Chances are it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone else. Cut yourself some slack and send out some letters - post haste. STAINED GLASS COOKIES.

libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do, so consider switching to second shift or lobbying congress the stop adjusting the clocks. WHITE BEAN SALAD WITH SHRIMP AND ASPARAGUS.

scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21

No problem is so tough that you can't walk away from it. "A quitter never wins" is just propaganda so that high school sports coaches can keep their job while they make you put up with bull shit. Crack your own whip and don't forget to hit record. MAC AND CHEESE. TERIAKKI CHICKEN BREASTS.

saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21

Never fight an inanimate object. So the next time you meet that "witty fellow" tell him someone ought to take that wit away from him before he cuts himself. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics - after all. OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES.

capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19

You are not sincere, even when you say you are not. Communism is like one big phone company and Democracy is a collective group of uninformed people, so run for office under a socialist platform where no one will see you lose. VERY CREAMY CHEESECAKE.

aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others - just ask a Vegan, who I suppose, was a child once. I've always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position, so perhaps it's time to try to get away with something. NEW YORK-STYLE PIZZA.

pisces
Feb 19 - March 20

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever and anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Don't be the person who, when smelling flowers, looks around for a coffin. Bury your negativity along with those thoughts of your enemy. SEARED TUNA AND TOMATOS.



new old this that
            














Since Feb 2001





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