new old this that

05.03.02.5:31 pm

The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes

Last night was the slam. Christopher Johnson won and Gary Hoare came in second. I drank two too many beers last night and I went to bed two hours too late. I'm not hung over per se, but I am exhausted and well... stretched. Chicago was a lot of effort. It wasn't relaxing. Then I had the school gig and a real rough week at work. Now last night I didn't get enough sleep, I woke up a bit dehydrated, and well... I'm just tired. I can't wait to sleep.

I write these horoscopes every Friday as everyone but first time readers knows, so enjoy.

The Horrorscopes



taurus
April 20 - May 20

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of your life, please press three. MAC AND CHEESE.

gemini
May 21 - June 21

If you ever wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing for five hours, you'll finally come to the conclusion that you must have an allergy to consciousness. Ask what will it take. CHEESE AND MACARONNI

cancer
June 22 - July 22

Start looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. If God wanted you to fly, He would have given you tickets instead of elbows. BLT

leo
July 23 - Aug 22

Discover a new philosophy: only dread one day at a time. Remember, egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity, so you're probably the only clear minded banana in your bunch. SMOKED SALMON.

virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22

If all else fails, you could give you right arm to be ambidextrous. When that man tells you, again, that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?' GINGER BREAD MEN.

libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. GARDEN BURGER

scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21

Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long. You can't shake hands with a clenched fist - nor can you sneeze with two fingers in your nostrils. HAM WITH MUSTARD

saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21

Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side. Conservatives are refrigerators: You open the door, the light goes on. You close the door, the light goes out. Nothing is going to happen you don't expect. The world's as ugly as sin, and almost as delightful, so consider something doing something nasty. TERIAKKI CHICKEN BREASTS.

capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19

You know, the great thing about television is that if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel. CHECK CNN RIGHT NOW! OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES.

aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18

When someone next tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway. Just say, "Don't go there." CHEESECAKE.

pisces
Feb 19 - March 20

If you believe the doctors, nothing is wholesome; if you believe priests, nothing is innocent; if you believe the president, nothing is safe. Believe this: You came from somewhere. Go for a visit. NEW YORK-STYLE PIZZA.

aries
March 21 - April 19

It will be such a lovely day it will be a pity for you to get up. You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it, so don't forget your pen. TUNA WRAP.



new old this that
            














Since Feb 2001





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