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05.31.02.5:51 pm

° The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes °

Friday is Horrorscope Day, and today is Friday and there's no way I'm going to work tomorrow, but I am volungteering for the Special Olympics tomorrow afternoon. My company runs the softball throw - which is actually quite fun. I'm so glad I was smart and chose to work the afternoon shift because I am beat today.

Gemini 5/20-6/20
Ever feel there’s too much crapola in your life? Ever feel you can barely walk because of all the junk at your feet? You could get rid of 1/2 the clutter in your life and you'd be able to breath 80 percent better. It's really cleansing - like an apartment enema... where the apartment could even be your brain. Ooooh Spoooky! johnpowers is getting down with the metaphysical. Have an orange, they're loaded with Vitamin C and I'm channeling the word 'pale' for some reason.

Cancer 6/21-7/21
Right now I really really want to have a cigarette, I want one so bad I'd pay someone to act as my proxy in a goat blowing contest for cigarettes. What does this have to do with you? Nothing. You have no horoscope today, but if you take the first two sentences of Sagittarius's horo and the last two sentences of Aquarius's scope you'll have a very nice and unique ditty to ponder.

Leo 7/22-8/22
You didn't call that person did you? You didn't eat far enough chips and salsa either. Fine. How about sharing what you like with others? Can you do that? Can you share with someone you know or even several people you know what makes you happy - you know, sorta spread the joy? Alright try that this week. Sheesh. Mangoes.

Virgo 8/23-9/21
You too! Damn you people... Did you make many new friends last week? Nooooo. Hrmpf. Drive your boyfriend to pick up his tire soon so he doesn't have to keep borrowing your car. If you don't have a boyfriend or you don't have a boyfriend with a flat tire expect something to radically change in your life within the next 80 years. To all the Virgo’s out there, this one's for you:

(a curtain raises)

somewhat danceable and hauntingly familiar music begins to play.

johnpowers jacks his pants up until they become high-water pants.

you can see his sequined socks.

johnpowers is seen pulling on a sequined glove.

johnpowers is seen pulling on a Michael Jackson mask.

johnpowers begins to moon walk backwards.

johnpowers is dancing, moving his arms in the air, pointing to the sky.

"Ungh!"

johnpowers footwork is getting more and more complex,

"Uh HUH! OW! Teee Heee! HOWWWW!"

"Scha-mo-wa! Owwww! Teee Heee! HOWWWW!"

ladies and gentlemen johnpowers has just grabbed his crotch.

"AAAAAAAAH!"

johnpowers pulled his groin and passed out as he fell into the orchestra pit.

(curtain)

Remember, it's never too late to change things in your life, but no one can ever really go back to 1985.

Libra 9/21-10/22
"This place is insanity, I never been here, I never planned to be, and now that man's hands got plans for me and now that man's hands got plans for me and now that man's hands got plans for me and now that man has plans so I jetted and ran but the mic cord pulled me back I shoulda dropped it at the scene of the rhyme now we're all doing time..." If you can't rap, memorize other peoples stuff or just remember it from a documentary on rap. Act too cool to continue after you are done reciting with your memorized verse to your friends. Just don't join a cipher. Stay away from ham.

Scorpio 10/21-11/21
Invite a friend over your house to watch the paint dry. Invite an enemy over for a cookout slash fire ant mound diving extravaganza. Ring someone up, err that's phone someone up (damn my British past!) who you haven’t talked to in a while and see how they're doing.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/20
You can learn some things in a large group, so try to attend a meeting or some classes. Hang out with some friends. Observe the dynamic and continue to make water references while you speak so that you can observe the people in the group with you slowly get up one by one and go to the restroom. Take some photos. Eat some salad.

Capricorn 12/21-1/20
Something interesting has happened to you in the last week, I know it... Even if it's just reading my ranting here, something was interesting because you came back... so take whatever interesting thing happened and tell someone else about it but embellish it to the point where it seems really really cool. Then after they fall for it, make them tell you a story and when it is not as good as yours feign disinterest... Yes, you are practicing to be a bitch or bastard and yes, you will someday need this skill.

Aquarius 1/21-2/19
For a while, keep to yourself most of what people tell you. The more people think their words won't be repeated, the more they'll tell you. You can use this. Against them and for your advantage. Keep a couple of their really juicy secrets in case there is ever an opposite sex shortage. Buy some clementine oranges. Don't be so upset if you get short changed on something you regularly get, it happens.

Pisces 2/20-3/19
Isn't it amazing how things turn around? Isn't it neat how someday's the cloud that’s been following you around will somehow seem to break and suddenly your whole life is sunshine and awesome optimism? Guess what? It won't last forever, but then again if we worried about that at the sake of the good times, then we'd all be just like johnpowers. Leave that to him and have a good weekend.

Aries 3/20-4/18
Take a walk down memory lane. It's right next to why the hell did I do that lane and oh my god I can't believe I slept with that person lane. See? Isn't living in the present better? Your future holds uncertainty - everyone's does, but you'll be ok. Really everything is going to be just fine.

Taurus 4/19-5/19
Find a printer, print out on that printer the phrase:

"Cell Phone + This Place ='s You're Crass and Rude"

Print out the phrase many times and cut the papers into little business card shapes. Casually drop these on the tables or laps of everyday morons who fit the phrase. You'll feel very good about this and you'll keep someone on thier toes.

°


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