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06.15.02.11:45 am

° The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes °

Gemini 5/20-6/20
Too much clutter? Do you have piles? Piles of junk laying around? Papers, notes, brochures? Throw em out. Not everything is sentimental - sometimes its just junk and if you really need that information - just browse the net. Search it out, its all going to be out there. Remember to recycle and order the cheese cake - at least this one time.

Cancer 6/21-7/21
Both hands, oh use both hands, oh no don't close your eyes, they are writing, graffiti on your body, they are drawing the story of, how hard you tried... Now wouldn't that be nice? I think that would be fabulous. Simply fabulous. Now all you need is a marker, the right person, and something to overcome, so get working. Rigatoni.

Leo 7/22-8/22
Ragtime in curbside tomatoes, sunflowers craning from exhaust, snapping beans, peapatch spokes, cigarette smoke. Blues in the grackles landing by breadcrumbs, jumping in the line as the bus comes. Scratchy ju-ju sax as the pigeon-man shuffles his night for anything broken. Your song, curve of alley and dawn. Your voice, marrow and bone. Grab the stone, skip it along its way. Eat a piece of fruit today.

Virgo 8/23-9/21
It's okay to have your own exact plans, Stick to those plans. Let yourself get drawn in, get absorbed in this one. Get some sun - it'll be waning soon, call someone, find someone, don't retreat. Do not feel ripped off. Wild rice.

Libra 9/21-10/22
It’s time to cuddle - with a good book, with a sweetheart, with a cat or dog, a pet guinea pig. You get the drift. Nurture yourself and the ones around you. Patience and talking. Patience and really listening. Stay away from the doctor and all news will be good. I sense a lot of pasta on the horizon. Just RUN FROM THE RAMEN!

Scorpio 10/21-11/21
Look at the closer picture. Try volunteering and doing something local or even giving a dollar to a homeless person. Some things will do more good than others. Pack a lunch and eat it outside Improvise. Get out, take a half day off from work or school and go to some place you haven’t been in a while. Eat something exotic, like Corn.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/20
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead. Scribbling on the sky the message Peace is Dead, Put crépe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. It was our North, our South, our East and West, the working week and the Sunday rest, Our noon, our midnight, the talk, the song, We thought that peace would last forever: 'We were wrong...' Stopping hate starts with you, spreading understanding starts with the first person you talk to. Oranges.

Capricorn 12/21-1/20
As far back as you can remember this person has always treated everyone the same. Thank their mother's influence for that. Anyway, remember that person. You may get a new project at work or school, so don't be high as a kite on Day-Quil and Suda-Speed. Have you made anyone cry lately - because you were tired and grumpy and feeling snappy? Do not be the worlds worst sick person. Making up is the best part of kung foo fighting. Glass noodles.

Aquarius 1/21-2/19
Clearing the air is a good idea. Bring up that topic you've been hesitant to discuss and talk it over with the one you love. Buy more peanut butter. You MUST keep and read the directions you next get - even if its on the peanut butter. You might find yourself talking to a younger annoying person and thus you will feel torn between the familiar and comfortable versus the new and exciting. You will want the new domino’s deep dish pizza instead of the peanut butter, but nooo nooo it will not go well, so get the peanut butter.

Pisces 2/20-3/19
Feeling confident today? Good. Wear dark clothes this weekend and spring your enthusiasm on some one like a tiger. Be the tiger. GRRR. Raaarw. If you keep your spirits up you will be rewarded by finding a dollar on the street - or not. Either way, you will be just as better off. Salad with feta cheese - even if that salad is sold to you with mostly lettuce - mostly lettuce to rip you off! Aries 3/20-4/18
Its just a hop skip and a jump to where you need to go. Make sure there's solid ground where you plan to land and seriously, you only need 1 good outfit. Did you hear that woman complaining about her kids? That's you someday - even if you're only complaining in your head and even if its not about your kids, someone is going to be listening to you the same way you're listening to her. So remember, it takes a long time for your life to be simple again - once it gets too complicated. Avoid the fish.

Taurus 4/19-5/19
If I had a dollar for every time I wished someone would just die, I'd have enough to buy you that deli sandwich I'm going to tell you to eat. Resist the anger and annoyance because opposing a force only strengthens it, embrace the morons way with exuberance and enthusiasm to a ridiculous degree and the absurdity of it all will become quite blatant. Eat a deli sandwich with chicken in it.



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Since Feb 2001





Long time no update. - 12.19.09

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