«« new old this that »» am


For the record… for various lengths of time I’ve lived with three women. Michelle, Sally, and Jen.

Breaking up with Michelle was painful. One time she even hit me with her car. We were both too young – growing up in different directions. Anorexia, addiction, age, and abuse pushed like a gale until I couldn’t hold us together any more and we broke.

I learned a lot about what I want in a woman from Michelle. I learned how to argue. I learned to not change myself for anyone but myself. I learned that people evolve and no one should be engaged at 22.

Sally’s departure was fish hooks tearing at my flesh. Her voice was the barbs and her lies were the lines. Sally was foe. A mirage. She shimmered in rippling brilliance until the moon rose and rats began to scurry from her shores. The relationship was rotting heads of mackerel disguised as a feast and the food poisoning almost killed me.

Sally taught me to watch my back and check for sharp objects. Sally taught me to be very sure before you accept an I love you and even surer before you return it.

Jen’s leaving was prolonged but amicable. We were stable together but we forgot to stay in love. We fell out of it. I met her at 19. Age was a factor. We grew apart like Michelle and I grew apart - minus the psychoses – minus the hit and run... We broke up 3 times since we began. The last time was it. That’s all.

Along the way I feel I grew into self-actualization. I healed from Sally – from Michelle. I can’t even feel the scars any more. I remembered how people can take those close to them for granted - that not everything always works out – that sometimes everyone involved can turn out being better off.

Along the way I figured out what I wanted out of life. So did Jen. They didn’t match up.

Yesterday I turned a new chapter. Jen moved out after we broke up a little over a month ago. Lieutenant, you know that. You’ve been patient and amazing.

Yesterday I turned a new chapter.

I’ve realized a relationship should be a job you love. That when you’re ready, you’ll always want to get up early and get to work…

and I’ve realized I have no idea how to end this entry.

Perhaps that’s fitting.

«« new old this that »»

Since Feb 2001

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