I have today off from work. I still can't open my mouth very far which makes me afraid that I'm going to starve to death. Someone told me I might have an ear infection... I haven't had an ear infection since I was 5...
My agenda today is to finish my shopping and perhaps catch Lord of the Rings at the local theatre. I read the LOTR trilogy many times when I was younger and I am not afraid to admit that I want to see how they translated the movie to the screen.
Anyway, almost every Friday I write horoscopes so here are
The HORRORSCOPES:
aries
March 21 - April 19
M*A*S*H - a show that to some gets less and less hip by the year - but
to others (like me) holds it's value if for nothing but nostalgia and
good writing. Isn't there someone you should be talking to. Sit with
them and hear a story because one day that story will no longer be on
the air. Stuffing.
taurus
April 20 - May 20
Nirvana in the Buddhist religion is a state of pleasurable annihilation
awarded to the wise - particularly those wise enough to understand it.
While you're searching for the great heroin trip in the sky, remember
who you're real friends are. Your brothers and sisters miss you.
French Fries.
gemini
May 21 - June 21
Last minute shopping to do? Drink an extra coffee first and you'll
have your excuse to take a break at the porcelain break room way way way
in the back. Then get back to business because honestly, the holidays
are designed to be stressful. Blame Henry Ford. Dark turkey meat.
cancer
June 22 - July 22
Few things are serious as cancer, especially that dancer, so put it in
perspective - take a new directive and feel free to cringe in the face
the drama queens around you. Seriously, wouldn't it just piss them off
if someone told them to just shut the fuck up? Burrito.
leo
July 23 - Aug 22
Give and take. To acquire by force but preferably by stealth verses
willingly letting someone steal from you... Upcoming is a holiday
where everyone hopes to come out even in the end - just remember
emotional gratification is often hard to quantify. Kiss the kid.
Winter vegetables with butter.
virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
Sometimes when you're really loved - the ones doing the loving want to
do their appreciation justice. That's where the fretting the hemming
the hawing comes from. Let them off the hook, explain it's the effort
- not the result. Sweet and sour teriyaki chicken.
libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23
Patience is nothing more than a minor form of despair disguised as
virtue. Shake the boxes. Take a razor blade and cut the tape. Look
inside. Re-tape. It's simple. This way you'll know if you have to go
shopping again. Just leave a few surprises so you don't have to become
an actor. Humble pie. Tierramasseau. Or however you spell it.
scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
Know how to play dominos? Learn relearn or unpack the pips. If you
have the ego and or the self confidence you can look very cool at the
next party chances are you will be the first person in a long time to
get people to play that game instead of quarters. Order the fish.
saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Go on a cleaning spree. That may stop the libras in your life from
ruining your surprises. It's all about keeping people off their toes.
However you have to do that is fine - apart from secretly drugging them.
Happy birthday. A big ass salad.
capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
If you go out and buy yourself a book, you will be able to read that
book while your relatives are attempting to drive you freaking insane
and you may - you just may get through these next few days without
bitch slapping anyone - again. Granola type bar.
aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're tired of looking at caves on the news channels. It's a cave -
how many caves can you see that look differently? They're only showing
you the same 5 caves over and over again. It's sort of like dating.
Look for someone on a hill. Pudding.
pisces
Feb 19 - March 20
Perhaps its time to mix things up. Pisces always gets ripped off with
their horoscopes because my brain loses its potency after this much
typing. Lets see, lets see... Hospitality is nothing but a virtue
that causes us to feed and house people who really do not need feeding
and lodging. Keep that in mind next year, its too late to kick them
out to a Holiday Inn - even though its the holiday's. What do people
only stay at that hotel DURING the holidays? I don't think so. Do not
get duped by marketing. Order the Chai. Doughnut shops sell it now.
Try the Chai! Just not the doughnut shop chai.