�� new old this that ��

12.21.01.11:48 am

� The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes �

I have today off from work. I still can't open my mouth very far which makes me afraid that I'm going to starve to death. Someone told me I might have an ear infection... I haven't had an ear infection since I was 5...

My agenda today is to finish my shopping and perhaps catch Lord of the Rings at the local theatre. I read the LOTR trilogy many times when I was younger and I am not afraid to admit that I want to see how they translated the movie to the screen.

Anyway, almost every Friday I write horoscopes so here are

The HORRORSCOPES:



aries
March 21 - April 19

M*A*S*H - a show that to some gets less and less hip by the year - but to others (like me) holds it's value if for nothing but nostalgia and good writing. Isn't there someone you should be talking to. Sit with them and hear a story because one day that story will no longer be on the air. Stuffing.

taurus
April 20 - May 20

Nirvana in the Buddhist religion is a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise - particularly those wise enough to understand it. While you're searching for the great heroin trip in the sky, remember who you're real friends are. Your brothers and sisters miss you. French Fries.

gemini
May 21 - June 21

Last minute shopping to do? Drink an extra coffee first and you'll have your excuse to take a break at the porcelain break room way way way in the back. Then get back to business because honestly, the holidays are designed to be stressful. Blame Henry Ford. Dark turkey meat.

cancer
June 22 - July 22

Few things are serious as cancer, especially that dancer, so put it in perspective - take a new directive and feel free to cringe in the face the drama queens around you. Seriously, wouldn't it just piss them off if someone told them to just shut the fuck up? Burrito.

leo
July 23 - Aug 22

Give and take. To acquire by force but preferably by stealth verses willingly letting someone steal from you... Upcoming is a holiday where everyone hopes to come out even in the end - just remember emotional gratification is often hard to quantify. Kiss the kid. Winter vegetables with butter.

virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22

Sometimes when you're really loved - the ones doing the loving want to do their appreciation justice. That's where the fretting the hemming the hawing comes from. Let them off the hook, explain it's the effort - not the result. Sweet and sour teriyaki chicken.

libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23

Patience is nothing more than a minor form of despair disguised as virtue. Shake the boxes. Take a razor blade and cut the tape. Look inside. Re-tape. It's simple. This way you'll know if you have to go shopping again. Just leave a few surprises so you don't have to become an actor. Humble pie. Tierramasseau. Or however you spell it.

scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21

Know how to play dominos? Learn relearn or unpack the pips. If you have the ego and or the self confidence you can look very cool at the next party chances are you will be the first person in a long time to get people to play that game instead of quarters. Order the fish.

saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21

Go on a cleaning spree. That may stop the libras in your life from ruining your surprises. It's all about keeping people off their toes. However you have to do that is fine - apart from secretly drugging them. Happy birthday. A big ass salad.

capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19

If you go out and buy yourself a book, you will be able to read that book while your relatives are attempting to drive you freaking insane and you may - you just may get through these next few days without bitch slapping anyone - again. Granola type bar.

aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18

You're tired of looking at caves on the news channels. It's a cave - how many caves can you see that look differently? They're only showing you the same 5 caves over and over again. It's sort of like dating. Look for someone on a hill. Pudding.

pisces
Feb 19 - March 20

Perhaps its time to mix things up. Pisces always gets ripped off with their horoscopes because my brain loses its potency after this much typing. Lets see, lets see... Hospitality is nothing but a virtue that causes us to feed and house people who really do not need feeding and lodging. Keep that in mind next year, its too late to kick them out to a Holiday Inn - even though its the holiday's. What do people only stay at that hotel DURING the holidays? I don't think so. Do not get duped by marketing. Order the Chai. Doughnut shops sell it now. Try the Chai! Just not the doughnut shop chai.



�� new old this that ��
            














Since Feb 2001





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