A whip. Just a poetic rant type of piece I am working on:
Y'all are just too damn short...
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Y'all are just too damn short. I mean come-on, do you know how bad my back hurts after trying to look in the mirror in your short person bathrooms? I know I have a RIPPED stomach, because ALL tall people are STACKED, but how many times a day do I need to check for lint?
And while we're at it, stop inviting me over to change your god damn short person light bulbs. If you�re four foot two don�t rent an apartment with cathedral ceilings�
I will not dust your doorframes.
The weather up here is great by the way, it doesn't have your short person bad stench, how's the climate down there? Does it smell like my ass? I was walking to work today and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and these SHORT people kept stopping me for directions. "WHAT? I'm tall so I am supposed to know where Harry's House of Pants (24" inseams and less!) is located? I'm so tall I can see over buildings? Buy a map. Google your way there. I 'really' can't see it. I'm sorry. Get out of your car and stand in the shade of that fire hydrant and think about it for a while"
I'm so tall I'm the first guy to 'meet' the snipers in a war.
I'm so tall whenever the stock market falls it hits me first.
I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death and realized it was just my shadow when I accidentally stepped on Kareem Abdule Jabar.
I�m so tall Weird Al Yankovitczh remade Armish Paradise and named it �the world is a tall paradise because Coolio is a washed out short person and short is not cool� and he dedicated it to me.
I'm so tall Paul Bunion once licked my armpit.
I'm so tall George Dubaya appointed me secretary of the interior tree top inspection division for all old growth redwoods to be cut down to make stilts so all you short people can look me in the eye when you tell me, Gee, you're sooo tall.
I have 'no shit' tattooed to the top of my head but you wouldn't know that.
I have the hair cut of a cloistered monk but you can't see that.
All you can do is head but me in the groin... AGAIN! because I'm so tall I don't really need glasses, they're just fashionable safety goggles protecting me against all the migratory birds that keep snacking me in the eyeballs because they don't expect a giant head to be in their air space.
I'm so tall they won't give me a parachute license, they said "why bother? Just step down from the plane."
I�m so tall I clipped a racing jockey with a walkie talkie to my belt and named him cell phone
I�m so tall my pet giraffe likes to nuzzle my ankle
I�m so tall Bob Sagget, Rick Sprigfield, and David Copperfield are my personal mini-me�s, and I don�t even get to date Claudia Shiffer out of the deal because compared to me she�s so damn short and while we�re at it, there is no such thing as a spinner!
Y'all are just too damn short, what�s with the name �stretch?� Why don�t you just nick name me �good nutrition?�
I don�t know where I�m going because I can see the destination, I�m not successful because I�m the first one to be picked out in the crowd, I�m not paid more because my company knows how hard it is to find extra long pants, I just work hard. I think hard, I play hard. I�m just hard. ALL THE TIME. Because I�m so god damn tall.
Seriously, Y'all, Stop Being Short�
