� Headlines �
The headlines are real, the take and the story is mine...
� U.S. to proceed on missile plan
The missile defense plan is supposed to guard against a single missile being launched at the US by a rouge state... Who cares how many missiles we can stop? Lets say North Korea launches a missile at Berkley CA. Within minutes before or after impact there will be a hundred missiles launched at N. Korea reducing it to a molten wasteland. That's a guarantee.
Now lets say North Korea sneaks in a biological weapon that can kill 10 times the number of people a single nuclear missile can. Let's say North Korea is able to deny that they released it and the US is having a very difficult time pinning the attack on anyone at all? This is a very likely scenario - a scenario that becomes more and more likely if we have a missile defense shield in place.
� Aptitude test suggested for all future Presidential Candidates.
This isn't a real headline. I made this one up to tie in to the above headline. Aren't I a funny dude? "No" "Uh huh... Thanks."
� Iraq puts price on U.S. pilots' heads
(The Scene: Saddam Hussein's office)
Saddam Hussein - "Al-Douri! Al-Douri! My price gun is out of stickers! I need more orange price stickers!"
Al-Douri - "Your Majesty Saddam Hussein, please don't kill me for saying this, but we need to shoot down the planes before we can stick the little orange price stickers to their head."
Saddam Hussein - "Guards kill him now! With my price gun!"
Al-Douri - "Owe"
(curtain closes on the worlds worse play after a 6 week run)
� Cracks appear in Israel's government
You mean the hawk, the war monger, the spark that started an 8 month undeclared war in the Middle East the Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is having trouble?
Heh, I'm going to be getting emails for this one.
� Storm leaves at least 4 dead in Pa.
Former mutant X-Men leader, Storm went on a rampage in Amish country. If it were not for Wolverine, there would have been even more bloodshed, but he was able to shield many residents from flying horse & buggies as well as a few hundred butter churns.
� India arrests 3 in plot against U.S.
More people trying to bomb yet another embassy.
� Retarded in Texas lose execution fight
I guess the law makers in Texas don't see much of a difference between themselves - the 'normal people' - and the mentally retarded... Gee I wonder why?
� Interior aides back Arctic drilling
The above headline is the official winner of the WOW REALLY, I NEVER WOULD HAVE SAW THAT ONE COMMING johnpowers is a sarcastic son of a bitch award for June 2001.
� Vieques protesters turn up heat
Vieques protesters fill a pot with water.
Vieques protesters retrieve from the fridge and cupboards 1/2 cup dried porcini mushrooms, 2 cups hot water, 1/4 cup olive oil, 1 5- to 6-pound duck, boned, skinned, meat cut into 1-inch pieces, bones reserved, 3 medium onions, chopped, 1/3 cup chopped pancetta or bacon, 1/2 pound chicken livers, trimmed, coarsely chopped, 2 bay leaves1 large sprig fresh rosemary, 4 whole cloves, 1 cup dry white wine, 3 tablespoons tomato paste, 3 cups canned low-salt chicken broth, 1 pound bigoli whole wheat spaghetti and freshly grated Parmesan cheese.
Vieques protesters place dried porcini mushrooms in medium bowl. They add 2 cups hot water. They let porcini stand until softened - about 30 minutes. Vieques protesters drain porcini; reserving the soaking liquid and then coarsely chop the porcini.
Vieques protesters heat oil in heavy large Dutch oven over medium-high heat. They add duck meat and bones. They saut� until golden - about 8 minutes then drain off all but 1 tablespoon fat. They then add onions and pancetta, saut� until golden for about 5 minutes. They add chicken livers and porcini and saut� it all for 2 minutes. They then add bay leaves, rosemary and cloves and saut� this for 5 minutes. They add wine and simmer until almost all the liquid evaporates, they are stirring often for about 4 minutes - and then mix in tomato paste, adding broth and reserved mushroom soaking liquid, leaving any sediment in the bowl. They bring it all to a boil then reduce heat and simmer until the meat is tender - about 1 hour.
Vieques protesters discard bones, bay leaves, rosemary and cloves from the sauce. They skim any fat from the surface. They simmer the sauce until thickened to sauce consistency, about 10 minutes. They then season it all with salt and pepper.
Vieques protesters cook pasta in large pot of boiling salted water until tender but still firm to bite. They bite a piece of pasta to check. They drain it well then transfer the pasta to large bowl.
Vieques protesters spoon half of duck sauce over the pasta. They toss the pasta briefly to coat then spoon the remaining duck sauce over, sprinkle it with Parmesan cheese and then serve it to the members of their own inner cell of protesters.
Vieques protesters made WHOLE WHEAT SPAGHETTI WITH DUCK SAUCE!
� WashPost: 'We simply disagree'
I simply agree with the above simple disagreement.
� U.N., Taliban reach deal on food aid
The UN operates bakeries to feed Aphganistans poor. Yep, we even help countries that have the worst human rights records and complete disregard for anyone but those who follow their interpretation of Islam. These bakeries had closed down Saturday after the Taliban failed to meet a June 15 deadline that would have allowed the World Food Program to hire women to conduct a poverty survey. The Taliban let 282,000 people go hungry rather than see women working in Afghanistan. When I say extremist views bother me, this is what I fear could eventually happen because of those views.
� Doctors seek limits on drug ads
Everyone in favor of seeing one more freaking add for a drug we have no fricking clue what it is for, but DAMN does it have a whole lot of nasty side effects, please close your browser now.
� Chelsea Clinton gets her diploma
Amazingly she was never arrested in her 4 years at Stanford University.
� Study shows impact of gay parenting
This new study by two University of Southern California sociologists says children with lesbian or gay parents show more empathy for social diversity, are less confined by gender stereotypes and are probably more likely to explore homosexual activity themselves.
� 'Tomb Raider' kills at the box office
Despite horrible reviews like Angelina Jolie, hot; "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" not, the big-screen video-game adaptation starring the sultry, gun-toting, gravity-defying Jolie dug $48.2 million from movie-goers' pockets and was also responsible for huge increases in Vaseline sales, hand cream sales, shower conditioner sales, condom sales and general male pant bulges.
� Town profits from Custer's last stand
Didn't a whole bunch of movie and TV execs profit from Custer's last stand too?
� $46 million lottery winner surfaces
The winner was actually a porpoise named Pinky. Pinky the Whale is now a multi millionaire.
� Indonesia's deadly dance Section Front
Please speak the following quote in the accent of someone who is from India, I forget what an Indonesian accent sounds like, so just work with me:
(Remember, in an Indian accent)
"You, yes you, you look very good, come dance with me and my flaming ginsu knives of death."
A whirling dervish esc mass of well placed footsteps and blood ensues.
"Damn, another one is dead."
Nervous young men and women stand fidgeting in a single line now with 1 missing.
"Next!"
� johnpowers quits smoking for the 100�th time today
oh just kill me now.
NEWSFLASH! Funniest journal site on the internet found!
http://www.livejournal.com/~amenlover - Truly a satirical masterpiece. Of course the author may or may not understand his true gift to the world - that gift being humor, but that obviously does not matter to me.
