� The Jaded and Angty Horoscopes �
Every Friday is Horoscope day - Horoscopes for the weekend. I'm still ill from that plague I caught on vacation, and I swear someone has gas in the vicinity of my cube in the cube farm I work in.
The Horoscopes
Aries 3/20-4/18
Sometimes it takes some distance between you and an event or a situation to really see it for what it is. Take what�s bothering you or who for that matter and don't deal with it for a few days. When you go back - as you should - it will be easier. Talk to the next dog you see in a very high voice... "heloooooo puppy! heloooooo!"
Taurus 4/19-5/19
Calm down. Get in the shade. Sit on a block of ice. Just because its hot out it doesn't mean you can go around killing small animals... figuratively speaking even. Try freaking some people out in the food service industry by ending every sentence you speak to them with "Maam... I mean Sir." "I'd like an extra value meal with an apple pie, Maam... I mean Sir."
Gemini 5/20-6/20
Are you old enough to go into a sex shop? If you are, go into one, buy a 'marital aid' and mail it to your most up tight sexually prudish friend. Write the package's return address as the shop address and sign the name Dr. Ruth. No explanative note will be necessary. Eat the Fish.
Cancer 6/21-7/21
Is the trash empty? Are you going to get fruit flies soon? It might be time to throw away a bunch of old junk as well. After a certain point saving things that you might use someday turns into pack-rat disease, which unlike natural pack-rats is of use to no one - not even anthropologists. However, your can never have enough mayonnaise.
Leo 7/22-8/22
Sometimes it takes a long trip to realize home isn't so bad. When you see something that needs improving, you almost have to take it upon yourself to fix it yourself before you can complain. Almost, because if you've tried that already or if you've already offered, and they still screw it up, then you have that much more ammunition when you inform them that they suck. Funny colored root vegetables - Yams.
Virgo 8/23-9/21
Things are looking up. Soon you will be able to stretch your legs, your arms, even your neck and still have lots of people around you without feeling crowded. Hang in there and don't kill those close to you until that happens. Speak your mind to acquaintances right away and you won't later boil over. Fruit Salad.
Libra 9/21-10/22
Run for President. Goose the Governor. French kiss the mayor. Bribe the speech writers to use the phrase mini-golf and then the word shrubbery in the same speech. Shake things up. Get noticed. Get laid. Get deported. Get on with it already. Salmon.
Scorpio 10/21-11/21
It's time to really get in shape. Not for vanity reasons, not for health reasons, but because you're bored and running running running on a tread mill that leads you to nowhere while you watch TV with a walk-man is infinitely more fun than doing this same thing at home eating Pringles because you can't easily sweat on people sitting on the couch. Wheat grass.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/20
People used to be punk rock and rebellion, but now they're about hip-hop and disprepect? What changed? Nothing changed - aside from our points of view, maturity, and what the mass marketing pushers succeeded in exploiting this time around. Stand and fight for what you believe in. Listen to Pet Ufo while eating sweet grapes.
Capricorn 12/21-1/20
Capricorn is the Ram, so smack the shit out of them already. Ferchristsakes, when is enough enough? Do it verbally if you have to. A vocal assault can not only be effective, but entertaining as well - like the word Tofurkey (Tofu-Turkey - say it then eat it.
Aquarius 1/21-2/19
Take some new chances. Learn a new joke - one that is funny. Memorize it and tell it. It'll be good for you to start speaking up or about different things in groups. Summer is winding down, make the most of it. Mashed potatoes.
Pisces 2/20-3/19
Go for a walk in the rain. Revel in downpours after the lightning has passed, lay down on the warm pavement and listen to the splashing around you, feel your clothes press against your skin, open your mouth, close your eyes, revel in it. Don't forget to take off your shoes. Hot Chocolate.
