new old this that

03.22.02.7:00 pm

The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes

Ahh, crazy day. Youth slam meeting. Work was a long day. I feel as if I've had to pee for 6 days.

The Horrorscopes



aries
March 21 - April 19

The Sun is in Aries and the Moon is going from Gemini into Cancer. What about the other rocks and balls in the void? Buy a pair of boxers and loosen up, let freedom ring. Ring Dings. Clix!

taurus
April 20 - May 20

Your fun tendencies have been stunted. Its not your fault, blame it on the networking. Blame it on clouds of smoke. Blame it on the rain. Blame Milli because Vanilli's dead. Or is that reversed? Upside-down cake. Clix!

gemini
May 21 - June 21

The Sun is in Aries and the Moon is going from Gemini into Cancer. What's so great about Cancer anyway? What does Cancer have that you don't? Huh? Uncontrollable reproduction? That'll get you arrested in China! Egg Noodles. Clix!

cancer
June 22 - July 22

The Sun is in Aries and the Moon is going from Gemini into Cancer. Tell the Gemini in your life exactly what is so great about yourself. You deserve a break today and you certainly deserve to feel good about yourself. Whatever you eat, just don't go to McDonalds. Clix!

leo
July 23 - Aug 22

Is life everything you feared it would be? Do the dogs and wolves of your unconsciousness howl at the invisible crescent moon that was your hopes and dreams? Me neither. Filet Mignon. Clix!

virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22

Peace is almost upon you; Projects are wrapping up. Piece together the last of it and enjoy the next step. Peas. Clix!

libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23

You were put here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know. Scrap your trip. Very little is known of the deep Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen. Grilled cheese and tomato. Clix!

scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21

Kissing strange looking people in booths is best left to those who remember to close the curtain or door. If at first you do not succeed, slam slam again. Time was on your side. Your visits are greatly appreciated. Spinach pie. Clix!

saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21

The madness never ends, you can only stop answering the door. Sit in your place, turn off the lights, turn off the telephone, feed the dog a juicy bone. Open up a tall cool one, tell them that they are the one. Stop rhyming when you talk. Salmon steaks. Clix!

capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. However, you may accidentally forget to turn on the heat and break your cat in half when you trip over it. So be careful. Freeze pops. Clix!

aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length. Men make up for lack of length with the type of car they drive. Some women make up for lack of happiness by dating men with crappy cars. You will spend a few minutes thinking of wheels. Round cheese on round crackers. Clix!

pisces
Feb 19 - March 20

A mad whale will chase you around for all eternity after building management accidentally moves you into the cube of Poseidon. French Onion Soup. Clix!



new old this that
            














Since Feb 2001





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