When it comes to objects, I prefer square shaped things.
I was a square kid growing up. Always the shortest, the skinniest, the kid that everyone liked to pick on. I remember dreading going to school, John Fournier used to be one of the worse. Once I got so fed up with him harassing me (and poking, and pushing and punching) as he sat behind me in some English class, that I turned around and threw my elbowed in his face. I know he was seeing stars. The teacher didn�t see me hit him (I don�t think), but as soon as John F got over the shock of little old me (I was short back then) retaliating, he punched me in the kidney damn hard. It hurt but I was tough and the best thing is the teacher saw him and just said �cut it out.�
�Cut it out�
I wonder what I would have done if I had access to a gun. If I was the scrawny little teenager today, and not a child of the 80�s. Would I be the kid who snaps and tries to kill his classmate bullies and tormentors, or would I have just sunk deeper into depression and fantasized about killing myself, they way I did back then while I was going through my actual adolescence?
I honestly understand how a student can perceive his life in such a way that they lose enough hope and do something as unbelievable as trying to massacre their class mates. Kids can be the meanest bastards in the world, and for every monster that pulls out a gun and starts shooting people in the hallway, there are probably a greater number of monsters who had no idea they would ever �get thiers��
Neither side is right. Murder is unconscionable, but do the students who mercilessly torture a kid with words and attitude and sometimes violence have any conscience? Do they feel bad while they lay down in their parent house while they recall their day and think about what they did to the young skinny geek earlier in the day? Do they even think about it at all?
Shouldn�t bulling a student receive the same criminal retribution as the reaction it eventually can receive? Shouldn�t the students who make a teen�s life �troubled� be expelled � just a the �troubled teen� would be if they threatened to retaliate in they only way they perceive being able to shift the power of the situation back in their favor? The only way they feel they CAN retaliate? �with greater violence.
I would cry to my mother most nights - about how miserable I was, about how alone I felt, about how ugly I thought I was� what if I didn't have her support. What if there was no one I could realy on and talk things through with? It's a scary thought. I might not be here today were it not for the support structure I had when I was growing up.
Last night, I helped Jen look at cars and it looks like she�s buying an Acura Integra. Nice car, leather seats, cd / cassette / am / fm / nice & speakers, quad engine, 5 speed, sunroof with a retractable shade. Nice car.
I already did the really nice car thing and right now I don�t have a desire for another. I�ll take my leaky Jeep for now.
Personally I�d like to sell my Jeep, move to New York City, take the subway and cabs and busses, and generally melt into a new place. I like NYC, I love my friends down there, it would really be good for my art� and I can get a job in almost any city in this country. �I have mad skillz. Watch out or I�ll geek out on your ass, say hello to your mother for me.�
This week I have written a new poem, gone out to dinner with Ray and Jamie and a few other people I can�t remember for Jamie�s going away get together� looked at cars, stayed home, and generally not gotten enough sleep.
SXSW (South by South West) is next week. It�s too bad I didn�t finagle my way into performing at that festival. I would love to be anywhere besides Providence all next week.
I just ate a chocolate. A square caramel chocolate.
