� The Jaded and Angty Horoscopes �
Every Friday is Horoscope day - Horoscopes and meal advice for the weekend.
Someone has suggested that I am madder than the hatter, and while this may be true, I must put my shoe down at being mistaken for a 40 year old fat balding dude. That's UncleBobzilla you're thinking of. I am 29, thin, tall, 6'4", and still have all of my hair, although as I get older I keep finding hair popping out of stranger and stranger places, but that's another entry...
The Horoscopes
Aries 3/20-4/18
Walk up to someone and ask them if they have a dirty dollar for a clean one. Exchange. Then comment that you have a nephew you don't care for and it's his birthday. Walk away. Search out a vending machine that takes dollars and serves Fresca. Enjoy it's weird goodness with a bag of your favorite chips. You deserve this.
Taurus 4/19-5/19
Hey, where have you been? What's been going on? What's happening? * Theses are all questions that will be asked of you shortly. Prepare answers that could be painstakingly true but require thought on part of the asker. Then the next time you see them, tell them you were mistaken and that you're "just great." Pickles. You're out of pickles.
Gemini 5/20-6/20
A breath of fresh air will do wonders. Grab that person you've been meaning to and go to that different place. Buy more peanut butter.
Cancer 6/21-7/21
There is no substitute for the real thing, but if you have no alternative, make the most of the substitute while you can. "Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it." is a stupid phrase. Carpe Diem. Whipped Cream.
Leo 7/22-8/22
You have the opportunity to sit back and watch a few houses of cards come crashing down. Will you be the glue or the breeze? There is glory on the horizon. Friends will greet you and strangers may want to be a bit too friendly. Chocolate.
Virgo 8/23-9/21
It's okay to have your own exact plans, but try to remain flexible. Try not to get too drawn in by how you planned on doing it. Get some light, hang out, find someone. You are missed. Miso Soup.
Libra 9/21-10/22
You are so right on. You have your finger on it, even if you don't know what 'it' is. What you write is coming true. Be the charmer, make new friends, proposition someone... Tonight is your night. Strawberries.
Scorpio 10/21-11/21
Wow, yet more feelings that another person should not be alone. A big ass revelation is headed your way. Those you hate depend on each other, so you're going to have to work with that. Moving is risky, but doing nothing will suck even worse. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but it makes you smarter as well. So don't be a dumb ass. BBQ Chicken.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/20
Even if you only have a little bit of cash, share some with someone. Buy someone a beer, a soda, a coffee, a new razor scooter. Scratch that, let the razor scooters fade. It is so much the time to start paying back those favors. Oranges.
Capricorn 12/21-1/20
Don't put words into other people's mouths, you hate it when that is done to you. Don't assume. Too bad most people are going to be doing this exact thing to you, so stay alert and don't take any crap - from anyone. You're too nice to deserve that. Caesar Salad with scrumptious croutons!
Aquarius 1/21-2/19
Before you give it up, ask yourself why. Perhaps they would settle for less. Be as positive about it all and you're gonna rock the Cazzbaaah. Pinch someone. Hot fudge on vanilla.
Pisces 2/20-3/19
The fight is over, but you're still dug in. Poke your head out and look for yourself. Do you want the same old thing or something new? It's time to decide, re-prioritize and let those who haven't noticed your absence that "Hey, bucko, I'm back." Cotton Candy.
