One of my most embarrassing moments was when I was single and interested in this woman who worked as a waitress at an up scale pool hall me and my friends used to go to.
This was a long time before I started writing.
I used to be a real corporate ladder runner back then. I had the BMW, cell phone when they weren't that popular, I was always tethered to a beeper. Company expense account... all at age 23. I thought it was great.
Today things are different, my focus is on my family, my art, friends, and then work. Back then though, I mostly wanted to get paid, laid and beat my friends at pool.
Unfortunately, the only thing I was doing was getting paid.
Ah, the girl... I digress.
Sheri was her name and she was very short, but very pretty.
Eventually I asked her out and she said sure, so as I had even less of a clue back then than I do now, I had no idea what we were going to do.
So I decided to take her out to dinner and then to a movie. Not the most amazingly radical date, but there was nothing radical about me back then.
So we make plans and I am supposed to call her before I pick her up.
I call, She's not home yet.
I wait, I call... not home.
I call again, she's home.
"So are you hungry? Ready to eat?"
"Oh, I already ate."
Now keep in mind I've been waiting around for about two hours already and I'm really starving, so I say fine, "We can just go out then and skip dinner" and I proceed to head to McDonalds.
Where I wait in line behind three little league teams full of cars.
Finally I get to the order window.
"Number 2 Double Value Extra American Sized Super Sized McBeef with a bigger than that Coke meal please..."
...wait a few more eternities, get my food and point the car towards the highway.
I change to the fast lane.
I know she kept me waiting for a while, but still, I hate being late and I am late, but I'm also starving and very very thirsty, so I go to take a big sip of my coke...
and while raising the soda straw to my lips,
the lid pops off of the cup,
the cup collapses in my hand,
AND THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF THE GIANT SUPER SIZED TROTH OF COKE LANDS IN MY LAP.
"Oh frick." (I was expressive back then) - Everything was soaked - even my cheeseburgers and fries.
I used what little napkins they gave me and sloshed the puddle of coke off my seat.
"Oh fricking fecking frick."
My car had heated seats back then, so I turned them on, partly hoping I'd be electrocuted, partly to steam myself dry.
"Oh fricking hell."
My car had automatic windows and a moon roof. I opened all of them.
"Oh fricking cold ass frick."
I turned on the heat full blast - full hot - and aimed every vent I could at my crotch. Of course this required me to drive with the cruise control while holding my crotch in the air so the hot air from the vents would actually hit my crotch and I kept driving this way for about a half an hour until I passed a cop.
"Oh Fuck."
but the cop didn't see me slightly speeding down the road with my groin pointed towards the sky.
"HA HA! I have some luck today!"
and then I noticed I was at the exit I had to take and my pants were still noticeably damp.
"Ah hell."
I ended driving around her neighborhood for about another half hour until my car that I turned into a sticky sauna dried my pants enough to be able to stand up.
I pulled up to her house and she came right out, hopped into the car, and I didn't even have a chance to get out of the car.
She decided she didn't want to see a movie and felt like hanging out at the pool hall she worked at all the time, so I decided that was fine, and we went.
It wasn't until we got out of the car that she noticed my pants were damp.
"I spilled some soda. It really sucked."
"I guess it did." was all she said.
We hung out at the pool hall, hardly talked, were both bored, and pretty soon she said "this probably isn't going to work out" to me.
I replied "You're probably right, we're better off as friends" and we actually were, but I went home anyway
took a shower and made myself some dinner.
�
When I started dating Jen, everything fell into place. It was so easy and natural. Thinking about then and now makes me wonder what I WAS thinking back then, but you learn from things like drinking super sized cokes driving to a date...
Today my girlfriend's grandfather is quite ill. From what little I've heard, he's not doing well at all.
Jen was a little girl when her grandmother died and hasn't yet had to go through the long process of losing a family member... so if you know her or you read her, think a nice thought today and send it her way...
She could use them a lot more than reading an embarrassing story about me.
