�� new old this that ��

11.05.01.12:06 pm

No entry yesterday.

Why?

Because I was stuck in my bathroom ceiling fan ductwork.

Because Jen and I went out Sunday and pretended to be consumers.

First we went to Home Depot to look at fire place hardware - wood racks, fire screen's, etc...

We ended up leaving with a wood floor scratch cover pencil and a new ceiling fan unit for the bathroom - instead.

The ceiling fan looks like a silver breast. (Her words not mine)

Actually all of the overhead lights in my apartment look like breasts. They're round with a domed glass cover and a metallic tip that holds them together.

Both bedrooms have two over head lights, the dining room, den, and office each have one light.

So if you totaled them up, we were one light short of our apartment having 4 sets of ceiling breasts.

Then we went to Home Depot, saw they made ceiling exhaust fans that matched the rest of the light breasts in our house and just had to complete the set.

Hey, it's not my analogy...

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After Home Depot, we went to Best Buy to buy a CD player because mine from 1985 had finally stopped working. For a while it only sort of worked - you would press close and it would close but then immediately the CD tray would shoot open again.

If you kept at it long enough it would eventually close and then sometimes work.

It went like this.

(CLOSE)
(OPEN)
(CLOSE)
(OPEN)
(CLOSE)
-BLINK BLINK BLINK-
-Disc Not Recognized-

"FRICK" said by me.

(CLOSE)
(OPEN)
(CLOSE)
(OPEN)
(CLOSE)
-BLINK BLINK BLINK-
-Disc Not Recognized-

"DAMNIT" said by me.

10 minutes and 25 presses of the close button later it read the CD and I'd be able to hear something.

Then one day after I was at this madness for about a 1/2 hour, I ripped the CD tray out of the 15 year old sucker out of pure frustration

and a year later the post traumatic frustration disorder (PTFD) symptoms of the experience had subsided enough for me to attempt to use a stereo component CD player again.

HOWEVER, we didn't actually buy a CD player, because for about the same amount they had a DVD/CD player

which brought me to a new level of frustration trying to get that hooked up through the stereo receiver, digital television converter, and VCR.

After about an hour of trying, it all works, but to see the DVD picture I have to use my VCR remote so I can press this tiny little 'input' button on it that exists no where else but on that remote.

Trust me, if my stereo had a keyboard, I'd have no problems at all.

Which reminds me, tomorrow I should tell you how my friend Chris's car runs on Windows 95.

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After Best Buy, Jen and I went to Comp USA to try and buy her a new computer by getting a Comp-USA credit card. They have a no interest no payments for 6 months deal going and it seemed like the perfect solution.

Except when the woman behind the service counter typed in my credit application, she entered my Birth date as December 1991 instead of December 1971 and

GUESS WHAT?!?!

I WAS DENIED THE CREDIT CARD BECAUSE SUDDENLY I BECAME TEN YEARS OLD!!!!

Of course, I didn't find that out until later when I called the credit company trying to find out what a denied reason 1A means...

So we'll try again some other day.

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After Comp US Hey why won't you give me a credit card, we went home so I could swear at the stereo and then install the new ceiling breast exhaust fan.

When I opened the ceiling fan box all seemed well.

When I looked at the exhaust unit, I knew I was in for a long handy work job.

The duct on the fan was on the opposite side as the one I was replacing.

The exhaust unit itself was a bit too wide in one direction, yet too short in another.

There were a completely different number of wires - all completely different colors.

There was no place to attach the ground wire.

But after much swearing, finding a better ladder in the basement, getting my arm stuck in the ceiling between the sheet metal inner workings of the new fan and this sharp pointy piece of wood, and then sending Jen to the local CVS to buy some duct tape and cigarettes,

I had the exhaust unit in place and functioning.

So I went to install the light fixture portion...

and since the dimensions were off, you can see portions of the old square hole along the sides of the new light.

"FRICKINGFRACKINGFUDGEFUCKER" I believe I was quoted as yelling.

But it works great, provides much better light, and doesn't look too bad if you don't look up.

Next weekend will be adventures in dry wall, plaster, spackle, and paint

and probably more swearing.

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And to top the whole night off, we locked ourselves out again.

At 10:30pm.

Luckily I could still get into the basement where I found a utility knife and a hammer.

I won't go into details about where and exactly how I broke the lock off of my window and crawled in while pedestrians stood idly by not calling the cops as they watched some tall lanky guy (that would be me) break into a house wearing a T-shirt, sweat pants and no shoes or socks

because I don't want to divulge enough secrets so someone can break in themselves and steal my cat, new DVD player, and my shiny breast bathroom ceiling fan from hell.

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Anyway, sorry for not updating yesterday. We all need our vacations

now and then.

�� new old this that ��