new old this that

02.01.02.1:04 pm

The Jaded and Angsty Horrorscopes

Friday = Horoscope day. Every week.

Tonight is that demo slam in a high school cafeteria I have to perform in. I have a feeling it's going to be a low attended show because the person organizing it is very excited and says there's a huge interest.

Usually when I hear how excited everyone is at a place were doing a demo show, only about 15 people show up.

Well, we'll see... and I'll be sure to let you know.

aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18

The Sun is in Aquarius and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. Now what did I tell you about your friend last week? Work out the differences with that friend as clearly the moon in your life is quite loose and likes to bounce from person to person. Cinnamon squares.

pisces
Feb 19 - March 20

Waiting sucks, but buying now will only lead to owing more later and thus not being able to buy...then...and then you'll have to wait longer when that day comes...someday in the future...which really is not waiting so you can wait later... unless you're buying condoms. Buy the condoms today. PB&J.

aries
March 21 - April 19

Your Mercury is in retrograde. It is getting a new muffler, antique rims, a dual Holly four barrel, and the reupholstering should be done next week. What you don't own a Mercury? Sorry, wrong number. Eat the fish.

taurus
April 20 - May 20

You are surrounded by rams and people dressed like flags, which is not that different than the last 4 months, except that people didn't wear the flags so much as drive around in them, and the rams were news agencies ramming the same news stories about nothing further and further up your... uh... don't worry, you have not missed another terrorist attack, it is just a football game. Cheese Pizza.

gemini
May 21 - June 21

Pack your bags because you've just won a no expenses paid trip to SOMEWHERE. Decide right now where you're going. Call the person who will go with you, and get a move on. Pack light, decide on paper or plastic before hand, because you have grocery shopping to do! Take out Chinese.

cancer
June 22 - July 22

You may hate Chunky Monkey, but does the Chunky Monkey hate you? Seriously, what do you have against an over weight ancestor that but for a few different gene mutations could be your boss? Compliment 'the boss' in your life and do not, I repeat do not envision that boss as a Chunky Monkey while doing so. Angle Hair Pasta and Shrimp.

leo
July 23 - Aug 22

You have no clue what you're doing. Don't you? Admit it, you're clueless when it comes to things like nautical engineering. Perhaps the beach ball can build the raft for you Mr. Hanks! What are you going to stay on that island forever? You mean this isn't Tom? You're not on an island? Then let the expert fix whatever it is of yours that is broken and be sure to order the lobster stuffed ravioli.

virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22

The Sun is in Aquarius and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra. Either you're in a menage taw with a person painted silver who only comes out at night, or the Sun and that Aquarius don't like you that much and have convinced the moon to dump you for their friend Libra. Figure it out. Tea Cakes.

libra
Sept 23 - Oct 23

Yeah yeah, the Sun is in Aquarius and the Moon is going from Virgo into Libra... and what is go great about the moon for you to do that to your friend Virgo. Don't you realize what Virgo is like? Virgo will be going over this in their heads for weeks until tears of frustration are about to burst. Can you believe Aquarius and the Sun still haven't come out of their room. Perhaps you should knock and see if they could use some food. It's been a week! Egg salad sandwich.

scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21

Did that friend ever come to visit you? Perhaps you should give them a call and see if you can get together this weekend or next. Friendships take work, just take a look at Aquarius, Virgo and Libra. At least you don't have the problems of those three. Apple Pie.

saggittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21

Sometimes you do things that you don't want to because you think you have to and it will pay off later on. In reality you may be getting less and less out of the deal. Examine why that is. Perhaps you've lost the friends who used to motivate you. A huge ass salad.

capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19

Are you sticking to that budget? If you are, good work. If not then it is time to enlist someone to smack you in the ass. At least you will get some foreplay before the collection agencies start to call and you get evicted. Lasagna.



new old this that
            














Since Feb 2001





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