Today's horoscopes were ghost written, hence no food. Read that as I stole them from a place that I will only reveal to you if you email me. I'm sure you could figure it out if you really wanted to...
Come Monday the crazyness that has been my life for the past two weeks will be over and I will be back to my normal routine. This includes normal updates full of my incredibly large ego. I mean my somewhat humorous tone.
aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though everything seems to be going fine between you and your love interest, you will be stricken with a leg cramp to create dramatic tension in the third act. Clix!
pisces Feb 19 - March 20
You will continue your pattern of taking two steps forward and thirty or forty back toward the nearest tavern. Clix!
aries March 21 - April 19
Soon, you'll be savoring the sly satisfaction of getting away with something, but don't be too smug: That would be too much alliteration. Clix!
taurus April 20 - May 20
Your friend Nathan will continue to display talents and skills that make you seem boring by comparison. Clix!
gemini May 21 - June 21
Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come. Clix!
cancer June 22 - July 22
When driving through the desert, you should never stop and eat mysterious piles of birdseed, even if "FREE BIRDSEED" signs are stuck in them. Clix!
leo July 23 - Aug 22
You will be unable to get the Led Zeppelin song "Stairway To Heaven" out of your head after discovering an actual stairway to heaven in a vacant lot. Clix!
virgo Aug 23 - Sept 22
Pain and humiliation will be your lot when a scheduling snafu pits you against the Detroit Red Wings two nights in a row. Clix!
libra Sept 23 - Oct 23
The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets. Clix!
scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Try not to hold those you love to impossible standards, such as being able to love you back. Clix!
saggittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will find yourself on the couch recovering from a 3 day writing class and not feeling as if you want to write for a very long time. Clix!
capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will find it hard to emulate Alexander the Great as long as you are forced to work with Sandra the Dippy. Clix!